Chronic Illness can be like a see saw. Just like the one in the photo above. Sometimes the thing that makes the difference between whether there is progression or regression can seem so small but yet so big at the same time.
Years ago in Barbados there was a Soca song that was written to describe the government………..I think it was…………most songs written are about some social issue.
Anyway, today as I was thinking about the effects of being ill, besides the image of the see-saw with the slightest thing tipping the balance, that song came back to my mind. Its called “Breakdown” by Serenader.
The chorus of the song goes:
One step forward
And two steps backward
Hold ya belly and tremble
I feel like I take one step forward and then two back. Just when I think I am improving something happens that pushes me back again. This thing that occurs is not always physical, it could be a simple as a comment made by someone.
I misplaced an item, truth be told I have no idea where it is. It is not something that I would not place in a secure location……this just adds to the frustration.
I asked the one other person who could possibly have it to check through her things just in case. Her response was quick and sharp………….you are supposed to have that not me! I just left off what came before that statement.
My immediate thought was ” I really have to explain to this woman again………..sigh!”
When you don’t experience brain fog it can be the most difficult thing to understand. When you do, it can be the most difficult thing to explain.
I searched and searched every possible place that it can be in my home and I have not found it. All the while I am thinking to myself ” gosh girl, you really losing it”. The “it” there being my mind and not the item.
I really felt horrible………….I really feel horrible but there is nothing I can do about it now.
You may ask if something so slight can have such a devastating impact? The answer is definitely yes.
Its such a delicate dance from day to day to be in good spirits even amidst the physical challenges. Sometimes staying in that space is exhausting all by itself. Little things can seem like failures or statements of inadequacy and inability. Little things can make you question whether you should even try to do or to be sometimes. The slightest thing can lead to regression.
So when you take one step forward, then two back…………what’s left to do? Hold ya belly and tremble? Or just breakdown?
I don’t have the answer. It can be any or all. However, for me…I just keep on stepping and trying to maintain this delicate balance.