I had the most interesting dream recently.
For years I have been sleeping and planning my next day, or up all night and planning the next day from painsomnia. When I dream though, I have always had the ability to talk to myself about the dream, stop the dream and start another….pretty different stuff from what people tell me they experience.
I guess I would make a good candidate for dream analysis 🙂
Anyhow, so I was dreaming that I was at the beach. I haven’t been to the beach in a few weeks, I live on an island after all; I mean people come here for the beaches! Maybe its just because its summer that I’m thinking beach.
As the dream progressed and I was in the water, I said to myself (this is said to myself. like in my thoughts about what was happening in the dream) Lyn, how long can you really swim before you are floundering and trying to thread water. Then it hit me…….this is just like dealing with illness.
Truth be told I’m not the best swimmer 😦 when I;m on I’m on but when I’m off its a mess.
My preferred style is freestyle, I am relatively good at it, not to win a race or anything but I get it done well. When everything is aligned and my body is slicing through the water it is beautiful.
When I am feeling well and able to do what I want, when I want, that is beautiful too.
Just like when I’m swimming, this doesn’t last too long. Ironically, for both situations its the pain that cuts it short. In swimming, the abdominal engagement needed to be in good form, quickly becomes painful. In handling illness the pain stops me in my tracks. Just like swimming I end up….
In the water as my form goes, my strokes become short or not as streamlined. The kicks start to be uncoordinated and I really don’t go as far as I can. It is clear to all looking on that I am struggling or becoming tired.
In handling the illness, my struggle is mental before I even acknowledge that I am floundering physically. Its hard to concentrate, brain fog is intense and then the physical steps in. I am exhausted and can go from there to being in bed just because walking or moving is too painful.
I’m really not good at this part.
I see my husband and children treading water for over an hour sometimes….or it seems that way to me……I can manage a few minutes. I think its a combination of physical skill and mental energy.
By this point I am usually tired from what has happened before and I find no relaxation in treading although I believe I should and it is to serve as a time to regroup and rejuvenate.
With illness its the same. I believe I am frustrated by this time and feel that I should be doing better or handling the situation better. Although, I know its OK to rest. Its necessary to rest.
The pain colors the experience in both situations.
They say this is the fall back position when in the water and exhausted. Float on your back. Me, I say get out of the water……..that’s not always possible. I can’t get rid of the illness, gotta find a way to deal.
The beauty of floating is that the water supports your weight.. It reminds me that there is support, in places I know and in some that I haven’t thought of.
When in the water on my back, I look up and see the sky and clouds and all the beauty. It reminds me that there is a God who is there for me, holding me up when I can’t do it on my own .
So, yes I will actually go to the beach and do some swimming. Just like that is a process, dealing with my illnesses is a process as well. Some days I will be good and others not so good. Then I may be barely making it and keeping my head above water.
I know though, that through it all there is support. For this I am grateful.