Truth is …..its been a while since I wrote anything…………well since I wrote anything here. I wrote and just kept it to myself.
Truth is I’m tired. I don’t have any other words to use but to say I’m tired. Sometimes I say this and people tell me “yeah me too” but they have no idea what I’m talking about. This tired is so deep that only someone in a similar situation can understand.
My body feels like I am just dragging along each day. It take all my energy to get up and get going and then to do it all over again the next day. Right now I have been in bed for the past three hours and I can’t seem to get up from here. I think its my mind that’s tired as well as my body and I don’t know how to stop it from being tired. I am constantly processing everything and not coming up with any different answers.
Truth is I’m hurt.….and I am angry because I feel I should be able to just forget it. This week at work I passed and someone made a comment about my stockings. I admit its pretty weird, since Barbados is so hot, to see people wearing stockings of any kind; furthermore compression stockings. The other thing is that they are not in any way flattering to any outfit since they are so thick and concentrated in the color.
Now, I’ve heard comments before, but I just kept walking and told myself that I know why I am wearing them and anything said by others is irrelevant. This is 5 weeks back to work and about 8 full weeks wearing the stockings/ leggings everyday. Up until now it worked and I just went on through my day. However, this week I just felt like the comments pierced my armor. All the brave face and calm that came as a result of my rational thinking just flew right out the window. I hate the stockings, I absolutely hate them! Yet I know I have to wear them 😦 I just wish I could go out just once looking “normal”……that would bring more problems …so I wear them and try to smile when the looks and comments come and just do what I have to do.
Truth is I’m scared. I feel myself growing weaker and my inability to feel rejuvenated after a night’s rest dwindling. I feel my pain levels slowly rising and not falling at any point but slowly and methodically inching up. I feel myself moving towards a flare and I am scared. yes, I’ve had flares before, I won’t choose to have one; but they are horrible. I’m trying to rest more and cut back and do all I know to stop it from happening but its just a matter of time. I know it!
Perhaps the worse thing about a flare is not the pain itself but the moment when it breaks and starts to wane. The effort it takes to return to some normalcy and some level of acceptable functioning is phenomenal. I know that right now, I don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to deal with anything………because I am so drained………….and now I am so scared.
I’m scared that I can’t do it this time, that I can’t keep doing this over and over again.
I know I need a break, but I can’t take one unless I have no other choice. I have to keep pushing and pushing just to keep my head above water financially and otherwise. I need to remain the together mommy and wife.
Truth is I feel guilty. Even writing this now, I feel guilty. I hate this back and forth for myself furthermore my family. It seems that just the moment when they start to breathe easy and stop being hyper-vigilant around me; is the same moment when things start to go downhill. Its almost like I have a maximum amount of time when I can be relatively OK and do most if not all that is required of me as mummy and wife and at work. Then I just get sick again- not that I don’t know I am ill- but get sick again in the eyes of others.
This is when the walking on eggshells around me and watching carefully so I don’t fall, watching my breathing and making sure I take my meds…….like some type of police officer…..starts again. Its almost as if they feel the need to do all they can to get me back to the “before flare” state.
I feel guilty for putting my family through this time and time again………..yet there’s nothing I can do about it.
Truth is I am all the above and more. My mind tells me to process it and work through it but I don’t have the will. I just want to ball up and have a good cry. Thing is my guilt will stop me from doing that …………………because everybody is watching.
I know I am not the only one who feels this way at times but truth is I am lonely. I can talk to those around me and my few friends about it but I still feel lonely. I think its because I know they don’t / can’t really understand what I am saying. Neither can they get what I am saying when I say nothing or just give the basic response.
Truth is people take it personally when I don’t want to talk about it all. They start to question my friendship………….if they tell me everything they why don’t I talk to them? Truth is there’s nothing more to say.
Truth is I write more deeply than I talk
If they ask me now I would probably say I am ok. Funny thing is I am………………..but I’m not.
Truth is I am confused
Truth is I am miserable
Truth is I am not even sure myself.…………..I wish I could skip what is coming but that is the nature of the beast.
Truth is I know this will pass and I will be all positive again. I just would rather go on without the flare and all that surrounds it.
Truth is just leave me alone 😦