Embrace the flat/ or nearly flat…

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Yesterday I looked at Embrace the stretch… and that was mainly about the adjustment I had to make in the type of clothing I wore. I promised to look at the changes I made in my shoes.

Let me say that I love shoes. I guess in that way I am a typical woman. I think that any day can be fixed with a sexy pair of shoes…..I’m serious here. There were many days in the past where I was in a bad mood and I just put on a popping pair of shoes and my entire attitude changed. There is just something about how I feel in the shoe. Anyway, enough of that.

I am 5ft 10inches tall. So I really didn’t need to wear heels to begin with. I just loved them from the time I started wearing them around age 12. I would wear heels between 2 and 4 1/2 inches high. To work, church and to any occasion that was not completely casual.

I realized whenever I had a period- before the hysterectomy, or whenever I was in pain- after the hysterectomy, I couldn’t tolerate the heels. I always wore flats of shoes with 1 1/2 inch heels of lower. There was just something about the angle of the heel that made the pelvic pain worse. I think it increased the pressure somehow. I’m not sure.

As things got worse I found myself less and less able to wear the heels for any period of time. I would wear to work my heels and after about 1/2 hour take them off. The same would happen at church. I found that the pain was just too much to bear.

It came to the point about a year ago, around the same time I was adjusting my wardrobe, that I had to stop wearing them all together. Standing alone was painful if I had to do it for more that 20 minutes furthermore in heels.

I was depressed over the shoe situation. Really depressed. One day I took all my heels and looked them over. Those that I could give away I did and the others I threw out. There were numerous pairs of shoes. It was a sad day.

Since then I have built up a store of flats. Nice flats. I have a few shoes that are 1 1/2 inch high but most are flat. Even those with the small heel I can’t tolerate when in pain.

So, another lesson learned. Test and adjust a friend of mine always says.

I have come to accepting that I have to do what is best for me. I have come to accepting that flats look nice also. I have come to deciding that pain will try to define me and bring me down ………………but I won’t let it.

I am stronger and more flexible than I thought.

So what, my clothes and shoes are different………….but you know what? I am still here and that to me is victory!

Surgery on the horizon: bittersweet decision

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I finally had my appointment with the surgeon last weekend. Over the past few months I have been back and forth to my GP, the hospital, OBGYN and finally the surgeon. My last visit with a doctor other than my GP didn’t go very well. I wrote about that in Dear Doctor from yesterday 😦 . That visit was horrible. However, he did give a referral to this surgeon who specializes in Laparoscopic surgery. I really don’t want a large cut. I had that with the hysterectomy and it took sooooooo long to heal. I don’t want it opened again if I can avoid it.

I went to this surgeon and the visit was as far as night from day when compared to the last one. The appointment was at 8:40 a.m. I arrived a few minutes early and was immediately ushered into the nurse’s office for the urine, blood pressure and weight checks. The doctor came and ushered me into his office shortly thereafter.

I spent probably 30 minutes in his office with him. We discussed the referral from the previous doctor and then he put that aside. He was interested and invested in just listening to me tell my story. He took a comprehensive history of all my illnesses and medications, not just the pelvic issue related ones. He took the time to hear and see me. It was the most relaxing conversation I have had with a doctor, outside my regular doctor, in a long time.

We then spoke about the examination he wanted to do and why. He left me in the office to speak with the nurse and then ushered me into the examination room with the ultrasound machine. He took the time then to talk to me and ensure i was ready for the exam and then proceeded to do the pelvic exam. It was very uncomfortable but not painful. As usual it was most painful on the right, also as usual there was nothing “abnormal” about my examination.

After this was the trans-vaginal ultrasound. Again uncomfortable, but not painful. He concluded the examination and left for me to dress. He then returned and ushered me once again into his office where we spoke for just over half hour.

The ultrasound revealed that my left ovary appeared normal in size but for whatever reason he was unable to see the infamous right ovary. Trust me he did look and probe and probe. I actually asked him if something was lost while the exam was being done. It just seemed like he was probing a bit too much. However, the ovary couldn’t be seen.

Food for thought that is. Not sure what there is inside that could be hiding the ovary. Time will tell.

The doctor suggested that I go on a course of treatment with GNRH agonists. These would put me in a state of menopause. If the pain decreased then we would know for sure that the extra pain that I’ve been experiencing is due to Endometriosis. If it worked then I would have to use it indefinitely……..in reality more than 10 years.

The good thing about the visit was that although an OBGYN, he didn’t discount my Pelvic Congestion Syndrome diagnosis. He accepted that it exists and rightfully stated that there is still a lot of unanswered questions as far as PCS diagnosis and treatment is concerned.

He also accepted that surgery would help in determining and hopefully fixing the problem or at least alleviating the pain. I decided on the surgery, mainly because I had done the hormonal treatment before and it had not changed anything.

We put the wheels in motion for the surgery. I did the blood tests, made the appointment to see the anesthetist and sent the quotation to the insurance company. Due to the doctor’s schedule I will not be scheduled until May. I don’t have the date as yet but its better than nothing. I see the doctor in two weeks.

This decision is bittersweet to me. I am happy that there is some progress and we are going ahead. I am afraid though, that this op may change nothing. I am afraid to hope……….yet I can’t give up hope. Its all I have sometimes.

I accept that things may remain the same. That is the risk that I take. I am going in for an Operative Laparoscopy. While I am under, the surgeon will determine what is to be done. If Endometriosis is seen or any indicators of it they will be excised. The adhesions that are suspected, if seen will also be dealt with (this is a catch 22, this op will also potentially lead to adhesions). I also go in with the understanding that depending on what is discovered the op may be converted to open surgery. I’ve no control over any of this.

Yet, I am at peace with my decision. Like all else before, God and I will get through this together. He promised, and I trust His promises explicitly. This will get better, this too shall pass.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IV Meds at home…..good/ bad????

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I woke on Wednesday in unbelievable pain. Actually I was in this pain from Tuesday night. The Psychologist in me though refused to accept that it was a s bad as it felt. I literally said to myself ” Lyn, you are upset with the way things went at the hospital. This pain is not that bad. It’s the emotions getting in the way”…………..Right!

Recall I had been ill all weekend……..this was just writing on the wall.

So I accepted that I would have to see my doctor I needed to get some help because my pain meds weren’t working. When he messaged after 5 a.m. I basically said I couldn’t take it any more. Well to my dismay he responded that he was not going to be in office because he had home visits to do. Sigh!

A little later he told me that he could come to the house and set up the IV, do a visit and return to take it down. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Well desperate situations……desperate measures.

He arrived with the meds and stuff, asked for a clothes hanger and prepared to set up the IV. Then he said “well I have both IV Tramadol an IV Morphine; which one are we going with today?” Now it may seem strange to a reader that my doctor is asking me this but we talk through everything that is one of the reasons we get along so well. It was about what I thought I could handle and since I was the one in pain I could better gauge the severity.

I went for the morphine.

Problem #1: When I think of Morphine I think “that’s it, there’s nothing else to get now. You’ve been through all the other meds and now you are here. This is not a good place.” I have some real psychological issues to work through with this Morphine thing. Yet in the moment I knew that I had been taking the Tramadol all along and the pain wasn’t responding so there was no real choice.

Problem #2: This was all taking place in my house! All along this journey, I have been going to the doctor’s office every few months to get these IV meds when I hit a hump and returning home. Doctors are seen in office or at the hospital…….NOT AT HOME! So what does this mean? He visits those who can’t get out of their houses at home or those who are in need of palliation and / or bed ridden. Does this somehow place me in those categories?

See Psychological issues…………..need to go to therapy!

Yes I had a struggle for a few beats. Truth is I want my home to be free from all that. I want home to be a place of comfort and solace not a place where I get medical treatment.

However, I just said “girl get a grip. This is what it is right now, deal with it. Don’t attribute anything to the process that isn’t there. The doctor is here to help you and stop you from having to wait another whole day before you can get the meds. That’s all.”

Truth be told that was all. There was nothing more to it. If he had been working out of his office on Wednesday I would’ve gone there.

Still I would rather my home just be my home.

In this fight with chronic illness though we need be careful what we take issue with when it comes to our care. So I know now that if the situation arises again where I have to be treated at home I will deal with it. My care comes first regardless of location.

I can handle it………….home or not at home…………the outcome is greater than the means.

 

A Good Day!

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Today I had a good day!

I did not have a day without pain. In fact during the morning I was relatively pain free and by lunch I was in pain. It increased as time progressed but never got to the point where I had to stop doing everything.

It didn’t help that work was drama after drama and from one moment to another I felt as though I would blow my top. I have found that in the midst of my pain if there is any additional external stress it get worse. There is a psychological component.

Yet when I review my day now, I know it could have been worse. When I look at today in comparison to other days it was doable; it was livable; I survived!

So regardless of my pain levels, I am the one who determines whether a day is good or bad. I determine what perception will become my reality.

I had a good day today. I am grateful for the good days. It’s all relative!