I’m not sure if its the time of year and that my birthday is approaching OR the fact that I’ve been ill over the past few weeks in one way or another OR the seemingly unrelated conversations I’ve had during those weeks OR just wanting to do certain things but not being able to………….just feeling a bit morose right now 😦
As happens, in the midst of my pain and misery all the possible horrible things about my life come to mind. You would think that I should be looking at the bright linings on the clouds or something; that never happens by the way. It seems that as soon as I get a bit down I just ruminate on everything else that will push me further.
Staying positive is hard work!
I guess the first aspect of me counting the cost is financial. Its one thing for me to think that I can’t afford an item/ trip/ experience because I simply can’t and another to know that things would be different- at least from my present viewpoint- if I weren’t ill.
Truth is the cost of living in Barbados is pretty high. I remember when we could easily feed our family of 5 for an entire month on $600. Only returning to purchase vegetables and fruit on a weekly basis. That’s laughable now; yes the children are older and eating more but food really shouldn’t be costing $1200 or more a month. Yet, it does.
This of course is compounded by my gluten intolerance and fructose malabsorption; which both require that I have specialty items that are more pricey than the average.
Outside the food though, I feel like being ill has just drained my resources and as soon as I start to see my way back to saving and working on debt, up something else comes. I started to add my bills for surgery alone over the past 6 years and stopped when I passed $50,000. Yes the health insurance paid some of it but surgery year after year will deplete savings and incur debt. That total does not include bloodwork, ultrasounds, x-rays, doctor’s visits and meds which are regularly scheduled parts of my routine. My general medicine on a monthly basis costs around $100. In actuality that’s $500 since I only pay 20% of the cost and the health insurance covers the 80%……for most things anyway. Still grateful for that…yes.
A family member was asking last week if I had a retirement savings plan …….my response was “right now I am trying to live, retirement is a ways off and I may never get there”. Truth is, its on my list of things to do. However, with my total health care costs, health insurance, life insurance, my other debt and trying to save for college for the children…………there’s nothing left at the moment for it. In that moment I just went……if only.
So that’s financial costs. I am forever broke…………..long and short of it all.
Outside that, the cost to my family is constantly on my mind. I went to pick up my son from club two Saturday nights ago and he asked as soon as he saw me if he could attend the “social”. I just stared at him.
All his friends were looking and waiting on my answer. Since, they were all going and I could only tell him that I had to go home. This he knew. He knew I had to get home to take my meds and that I was out longer than usual and would crash as soon as I got into the house. Yet, he asked.
My son knows that I am ill and I cannot be out at night because I am just too tired and weak and its not safe. He knows that I truly am not able and his father has to do so much more because of it. Yet, the 11 year old wanted to be able to enjoy a night with his friends. So, I had to be the one to say no again….and again.
His teacher offered to take him and bring him home after ……………I was grateful. However, on the way home his sister was very quiet in the car. I asked her what was wrong and she said she wanted to go to the social also. Well, she’s 9 and not in his club or group …………..and honestly is someone offers to help with one child I won’t ask them to do the same with the other. I looked at her and my heart hurt. Then she said ” mummy I’m not angry, I’m just sad that you are sick and I can’t go”. I told her “I’m sad too”.
That scenario has played out time and again in my home. Event after event that either I cannot afford to pay for so they can attend because I can’t risk spending out of budget and then need the funds or I can’t take them to because its at night or I am just not well enough.
Families of the chronically ill have a hard time…………..especially children. I think its teaching them many valuable lessons but not all lessons that they need to have at this stage in their lives.
That sounds quite profound ………………….doesn’t stop me from crying…………sometimes daily.
In terms of counting the cost of my illnesses, the last major thing I fear losing is my sanity.
I know illness and especially chronic illness is a major risk factor to mental illness and depression. Sometimes I do feel like I am losing it. I do feel like I cannot do it anymore………..its too difficult. Sometimes, I do feel like I am just fighting a losing battle.
Some days are hard.
Some days I cannot even articulate how difficult it is to just push through the day.
A friend told me yesterday that “love goes a long way”. I know this to be true.
I believe that its the prayers of my friends and loved ones that keep me going. I know that many people don’t believe as I do but I know that there is nothing earthly that is responsible for the fact that I am still here and still in my right mind. In my human strength alone I would not be here today. It can only be God.
So, today I am morose. reflective, down, weary, “depressed” and many other words. Thing is I’ve been here before. The one lesson I have learned through all this is “this too shall pass”.
I will have better days and worse days and good days and horrible days but I just have to hold on. Hold on to those I love…………..hold on to love. There are many of us all across the world fighting for ourselves and fighting for each other. One day it will make a difference.
Until then, I can record this all here……………………..so I can return and read it the next time I need to count the cost.