Test and Adjust

 

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I had an intern once who constantly said “test and adjust”; when she said it I took it to mean whenever there is something new/ unexpected/ unwelcomed in our lives we test it so that we can learn and then we adjust to suit. It makes no sense complaining/ worrying/ fighting the change……………………learn and adjust…………change is constant.

I don’t know……… I’m tired of adjusting.

It seems like I am constantly adjusting, even before I can adequately adjust to one change along comes another and I am scrambling to deal with something else. The weeks since my last post have been one adjustment after another.

My GI issues have settled somewhat because I have made some additional diet changes. We believe that I do not have IBS, rather fructose malabsorption. I don’t know why and honestly I can’t be bothered about it ……well the reason behind it………..right now. I can no longer absorb fructose. This brings symptoms similar to IBS.  I have basically been testing and adjusting my diet. I cut out the recommended high fructose foods and reintroduced them alone one by one to gauge the effects on my body. I have been able to identify those foods that trigger my symptoms. I’m still working on this.

My allergies and sensitivities have also been heightened. Before, I could still have a little gluten every once in a while. I shouldn’t but I could and not have any reaction. Now I cannot do that. I must have and maintain the completely gluten free diet. Even grains that I could previously have, I can no longer eat. I developed a reaction to corn when I could previously use it without issue. Actually I think its the type of corn. I have reactions to taco shells and cereal that is imported but if I use corn meal or corn flour made here I am ok thus far.

My energy levels have improved but are still low compared to where I need them to be. I find it difficult to go an entire day without getting exhausted. This has been really put to the test this week. I am having an annual camp I host with a colleague. Its constant going, standing, talking and work from 8:30 – around 3:30 each day. Its too much for me, makes me worry about returning to work in September………work is quite similar. Today I just had to stop and put my feet up.

On the topic of feet……………I started wearing the compression stockings. They help tremendously. They take a bit of getting used to but the support is amazing. The only thing is that Barbados is hot…………and its summer 😦 Its an exercise in perseverance to deal with them and the heat. Still I have no choice. If I got so tired and my legs hurt so much with them on I definitely would not have been able to do half as much without them.

I’m also adjusting to losing/ rather deciding that some friendships I have are at an end. One in particular, I have been friends with the individual for over 15 year. I explained to the individual the challenges I was having with Pelvic Congestion and Endometriosis and how it was impacting my life. There was absolutely no response, no empathy or sympathy………….absolutely nothing. This person then went on to discount my discomfort in their presence, acted as if I they had no knowledge of my illness. As much as I accept that the friendship is over, I have yet to speak to the person and it still hurts.

So much more going on in my life and all around. Testing and adjusting is difficult………but its necessary…………I just wish it easier:(

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Elephant in the room? Introduce it!

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You know how I spoke about Update….Helped one Condition….Hurt the other 😦 and the issues i am not having with Pelvic Congestion Syndrome? Well today I had an experience which told me I have not been doing too well introducing the elephant.

I actually said to my colleagues “ignore me”.

I am doing training in a CVQ- Caribbean Vocational Qualification. Elsewhere in the world they’re termed NVQ- National Vocational Qualification or some variation of that. This training requires that I sit for 4 hours straight with just one 15 minute break about halfway through. Problems!

I cannot really sit for 45-60 minutes without having to change position, stand, walk around a bit. Well actually I can but my legs would have to be elevated or I would have to at least be wearing the compression stockings/ leggings.

Did I mention that one pair of those cost over $100. Anyway, I did order a few but they haven’t arrived as yet. Since I am 5′ 10″, those available here were just too short so I am waiting on them to arrive.

In this conference room setting with a group of people I have just met for the most part, its sit at the table and write/ listen. There’s no foot rest or extra chair for elevation like in my office……even if there were….this is a new group.

So, I intentionally sat at the back of the room so that I would be able to at least stand every 40 minutes or so without having to walk the length of the room and disturb others.

Well, that didn’t work. Every-time I stood, everything stopped and all eyes were on me. “Do you have a question/ comment?” “Are you ok?” The questions came.

In my head I was thinking, what can I actually say to these people? I said “just ignore me”; but is that what I want? Do I want them to know why I am standing? Then I thought I have to introduce the elephant next training day.

Question is though, what parts of the elephant? How much of the elephant?

This is the dilemma many of us with chronic pain face. We don’t want to stand out, we would rather just blend in most of the time. However, that is hardly possible the majority of the time. Then we don’t want to be the focus of attention and be fielding questions and comments but how can we avoid it.

How do we give enough information for understanding but not too much to create “oh how sad/ wow so sorry/ oh no”. Where is the balance found?

I have no idea, I just know the elephant is in the room and it makes no sense acting as though it is not. I will just have to find a way to introduce 2 chronic pain conditions and still be a part of the group who is treated like everyone else and viewed like everyone else.

I’ve got a few days to figure it out….sigh!

 

Chronic Illness….. Like Swimming? My dream revelation.

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I had the most interesting dream recently.

For years I have been sleeping and planning my next day, or up all night and planning the next day from painsomnia. When I dream though, I have always had the ability to talk to myself about the dream, stop the dream and start another….pretty different stuff from what people tell me they experience.

I guess I would make a good candidate for dream analysis 🙂

Anyhow, so I was dreaming that I was at the beach. I haven’t been to the beach in a few weeks, I live on an island after all; I mean people come here for the beaches! Maybe its just because its summer that I’m thinking beach.

As the dream progressed and I was in the water, I said to myself (this is said to myself. like in my thoughts about what was happening in the dream) Lyn, how long can you really swim before you are floundering and trying to thread water. Then it hit me…….this is just like dealing with illness.

Truth be told I’m not the best swimmer 😦 when I;m on I’m on but when I’m off its a mess.

Swimming

My preferred style is freestyle, I am relatively good at it, not to win a race or anything but I get it done well. When everything is aligned and my body is slicing through the water it is beautiful.

When I am feeling well and able to do what I want, when I want, that is beautiful too.

Just like when I’m swimming, this doesn’t last too long. Ironically, for both situations its the pain that cuts it short. In swimming, the abdominal engagement needed to be in good form, quickly becomes painful.  In handling illness the pain stops me in my tracks. Just like swimming I end up….

Floundering

In the water as my form goes, my strokes become short or not as streamlined. The kicks start to be uncoordinated and I really don’t go as far as I can. It is clear to all looking on that I am struggling or becoming tired.

In handling the illness, my struggle is mental before I even acknowledge that I am floundering physically. Its hard to concentrate, brain fog is intense and then the physical steps in. I am exhausted and can go from there to being in bed just because walking or moving is too painful.

Treading Water

I’m really not good at this part.

I see my husband and children treading water for over an hour sometimes….or it seems that way to me……I can manage a few minutes. I think its a combination of physical skill and mental energy.

By this point I am usually tired from what has happened before and I find no relaxation in treading although I believe I should and it is to serve as a time to regroup and rejuvenate.

With illness its the same. I believe I am frustrated by this time and feel that I should be doing better or handling the situation better. Although, I know its OK to rest. Its necessary to rest.

The pain colors the experience in both situations.

Floating

They say this is the fall back position when in the water and exhausted. Float on your back. Me, I say get out of the water……..that’s not always possible. I can’t get rid of the illness, gotta find a way to deal.

The beauty of floating is that the water supports your weight.. It reminds me that there is support, in places I know and in some that I haven’t thought of.

When in the water on my back, I look up and see the sky and clouds and all the beauty. It reminds me that there is a God who is there for me, holding me up when I can’t do it on my own .

 

So, yes I will actually go to the beach and do some swimming. Just like that is a process, dealing with my illnesses is a process as well. Some days I will be good and others not so good. Then I may be barely making it and keeping my head above water.

I know though, that through it all there is support. For this I am grateful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Update….Helped one Condition….Hurt the other :(

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Life has been really interesting since my last post. I’ve been somewhat stressed to the point where I wasn’t letting anyone in. I felt as if I was losing grasp on everything and chose to take some time to regroup.

In the midst of this time I had the most unnerving experience. The pic above is my left foot. As you can see the veins are all popping. Truth be told this is minimal to what actually took place.

I could see all my veins right up my calves, up my legs and across my pelvis. When I saw this happening I knew that those inside my pelvis must be huge! That’s not all, I was in the most incredible pain I have had since having surgery.

Apparently, dealing with the Endometriosis has caused me some issues with the Pelvic Congestion Syndrome ;(

The adhesions which has everything in my pelvis stuck together and were causing me intense pain were also holding the veins in my pelvis (like bands) and constricting them/ restricting the amount of blood that could flow into them. Removing the adhesions has helped to reduce the sharp everyday pain that I was experiencing but has also freed the veins and they now exist without constriction.

Therefore, the veins can now have the maximum amount of blood pooled inside- thanks to the faulty valves…….

Doc says I have to return to the Daflon- meds for  venous conditions; in order to work on the veins all together and reduce the varicosities.  I most likely will have to wear prescription grade compression stockings everyday to work as well. Doc says the maternity ones that will come right up to just below my breasts 😦

So it truly is like a Chronic Illness See-Saw…. 1 Step Forward….2 Steps Back. I had an intervention to help in one area but because that area was the focus and not all two, that intervention has created an issue with the second area. We worked on the Endometriosis and now the Pelvic Congestion Syndrome is in full swing.

What now? More research- I’ve been doing quite a bit and will share in my next post; more treatment; more medication; more trial and error?

I guess this is what happens when we treat one when there are two to be considered.

Thankfully, my time of reflection has placed me in a pretty good frame of mind. I’m in a good space right now. Hopefully, it will last.

Truth is, it could be worse……….so much worse.

I remain thankful for each blessing amid this storm.

 

Mandatory Sensitivity Training?

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Even as I type this title I am wondering why is it that people even need sensitivity training? What happened to our ability to empathize and treat people how we would want to be treated? What happened to thinking before we speak?

So, as you know I applied to a Doctor of Psychology programme and was accepted. I had originally set my start date to July 1, 2017 but due to everything that has transpired over the past few weeks/ 2 months I started to rethink that date. I though about it from the financial standpoint, since I just had surgery and will be doing a few courses of treatment over the next months. I also thought that as excited as I am to study again I need to take care of my emotional health as well before I launch into that.

Bearing this in mind I emailed my academic advisor and queried  deferring the start date of the programme and how exactly that could be done. I have yet to decide if I am going to push back to 2018 or attempt to start later this year. 2018 seems more logical at this stage.

I also queried if the university had any measures in place for chronically ill students or those who suffered from chronic pain. I just wanted to know; I like to have all the information together so that I can make an informed decision.

Anyway, she responded giving me various contacts to check for direct answers to my queries, including the university Registrar and Finance Department. She also informed me that I had been assigned a new advisor and she would be contacting me soon.

So, this new adviser contacted me shortly thereafter and the email went like this:

“Hi Lyn, I am Jane Doe your new academic advisor. I have read the email you sent to X and I think you should cancel your enrollment with the university. You seem to have a lot going on.” ;(

I was livid. I did not read anything beyond this point and I hit reply immediately. I just could not let this go. How dare she recommend that I drop out because of all the stuff I had going on? What had me even more upset was that she and I had never spoken or had any conversation, even via email, up to this point. I basically told her I didn’t understand how the response to my queries could be cancelling enrollment and from someone who has taken no time whatsoever to know anything about me beyond my name on a file at the university. I asked her what gave her the right to make any recommendation to me furthermore that one.

I then took the phone and called the university and spoke to her directly, I let her have it. I had to inform her that she was out of place as far as I was concerned and could benefit from sensitivity training. How would she feel if she was dealing with an illness that is impacting her ability to study as she wished and she was trying to find the best course of action and someone she had never interacted with told her to quit……..well then added on after saying quit………..until things have settled down a bit.

I also informed her that there will always be something going on, there will always be something to push through. If I quit at the slightest pain or struggle I will never get anywhere.

After I had said all I needed to say, she apologized profusely. Truth be told, I didn’t care for her apology. It meant nothing to me. …………This is why we have to be careful what we say to people. Once the damage is done the words cannot be unsaid and apologies do not cover the scars.

I requested a different academic advisor…..she and I will not do.

What is it that makes chronic pain/ illness synonymous with inability in some people’s minds? Why do we have to keep fighting to prove to people that we can do, be, learn, produce etc. just as well or better than those who may not have our struggle? Our process may be different and our path may have a few more twists and turns than others but we will get there.

I wish people understood the impact that their words spoken in ignorance have on others. If I was not as strong a girl as I am I probably would have cancelled my enrollment or at the very least been upset and said nothing about it.

Its about time that people learn how to relate to others. I thought it was something that came naturally to us humans but apparently it is not. People working in positions where they interface with the public and definitely in positions where their opinion has some bearing on decisions made should have sensitivity training.If it is already a part of them, great they will just be reminded. However, if it is not- as in the case of the advisor- they will do well to learn.

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Chronic Illness See-Saw…. 1 Step Forward….2 Steps Back

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Chronic Illness can be like a see saw. Just like the one in the photo above. Sometimes the thing that makes the difference between whether there is progression or regression can seem so small but yet so big at the same time.

Years ago in Barbados there was a Soca song that was written to describe the government………..I think it was…………most songs written are about some social issue.

Anyway, today as I was thinking about the effects of being ill, besides the image of the see-saw with the slightest thing tipping the balance, that song came back to my mind. Its called “Breakdown” by Serenader.

The chorus of the song goes:

One step forward

And two steps backward

And tremble

Hold ya belly and tremble

 

How apt.

I feel like I take one step forward and then two back. Just when I think I am improving something happens that pushes me back again. This thing that occurs is not always physical, it could be a simple as a comment made by someone.

I misplaced an item, truth be told I have no idea where it is. It is not something that I would not place in a secure location……this just adds to the frustration.

I asked the one other person who could possibly have it to check through her things just in case. Her response was quick and sharp………….you are supposed to have that not me! I just left off what came before that statement.

My immediate thought was ” I really have to explain to this woman again………..sigh!”

When you don’t experience brain fog it can be the most difficult thing to understand. When you do, it can be the most difficult thing to explain.

I searched and searched every possible place that it can be in my home and I have not found it. All the while I am thinking to myself ” gosh girl, you really losing it”. The “it” there being my mind and not the item.

I really felt horrible………….I really feel horrible but there is nothing I can do about it now.

You may ask if something so slight can have such a devastating impact? The answer is definitely yes.

Its such a delicate dance from day to day to be in good spirits even amidst the physical challenges. Sometimes staying in that space is exhausting all by itself. Little things can seem like failures or statements of inadequacy and inability. Little things can make you question whether you should even try to do or to be sometimes. The slightest thing can lead to regression.

So when you take one step forward, then two back…………what’s left to do? Hold ya belly and tremble? Or just breakdown?

I don’t have the answer. It can be any or all. However, for me…I just keep on stepping and trying to maintain this delicate balance.

Angry Bowels- IBS?

She's just discovered her IBS isn't caused by chocolate!

My toilet and I have become close friends :(.

Closer than I ever thought imaginable.

Last post I looked at The Measure of Success. That was focused on determining whether the surgery had been successful or not and how that determination would be made. I said then that its not as simple as pain/ no pain. Boy, was that ever true?

So I had the pelvic issues I mentioned with the shooting pains and cramping. Then I started to develop some abdominal ones as well. I was moving between diarrhea and constipation and things just would not settle down.

Then came the gas and intense abdominal cramping. As you may imagine the pelvic stuff and this on top didn’t make for a happy camper. I was literally bent over in pain.

I found myself on the toilet trembling, with dark eyes and just trying not to scream. Yet what felt like constipation wasn’t and what may have presented as diarrhea was not necessarily the case either. What on earth was going on with me?

So, the good doctor and I had one of our conversations and he suggested that I use Buscopan. I had used it previous to the op for just two days when I was having abdominal cramping after BMs. This pain though was times worse.

I did as advised and the meds did help tremendously but I found the pain would return depending on what I ate.

Being the good research student that I am I started to look for possible causes. The symptoms I experienced all pointed to Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I was not satisfied with this and dug deeper. I discovered loads of threads, blog posts and research papers about IBS developing after abdominal surgery and laparoscopic pelvic surgery ;( There was also some research stating that IBS symptoms are sometimes confused with bowel endometriosis. Hmmmmm.

WOW!

Maybe, my body is just angry for being invaded and manipulated 🙂

I started reading many of the comments and experiences of the women involved and then I stopped……………it was not very encouraging. Many of them stated that the problems have persisted for years.

I chose to look at how my diet could be modified to help me. I discovered quickly that certain things had to be cut from my diet immediately. Each time I ate the item I found within 1/2 hour the cramps and rumblings would start. I have cut greasy foods, pepper, cheese (didn’t eat much of this anyway…like once every few months), lentils and channa (ate loads of these though) and citrus fruit thus far. Many of the other recommended changes I already had within my diet e.g brown rice only, gluten free, no dairy, minimal animal protein and no fried/ processed foods.

I have also taken to drinking tea………..in Barbados we call any hot beverage tea, regardless of chocolate, cocoa, green tea, black tea…………I have taken to drinking herbal tea everyday. I drank herbal tea before just not often. Well I’ve been drinking it at least 2x a day recently. I have also cut the portions I eat. I now strive towards 5 small vs 3 large meals and take the time to eat in an unhurried setting and manner…………making sure to chew my foods well.

This also means that I cannot purchase any meals but must ensure I prepare and travel with what I am to eat. This is not really an issue, I usually do this most days. I will just have to cut out the once in a blue moon purchases.

These changes have helped significantly! I have little to no IBS like pain once I follow these diet rules well. If I slip up, even a little, in 1/2 hour my body and I start to fight.

So, is this permanent? Lord knows because I don’t. All I can say right now is that I keep on moving forward. Test, adjust and step. I continue to deal with it one day at a time.