Sick and Tired

 

that-moment-when-youre-sick-and-tired-of-being-sic

 

It’s been quite a while since I’ve written anything here and even longer since I’ve been even on the site reading what my peers have written. Have I been busy? Yes………….busy being sick.

They say that you have to get really tired of being “sick and tired” and then you will do something about it…..I guess this is me doing something about it ūüôā

This term/ semester at work ran for 12 weeks, this is week 11 and thus far I have been away from work at home for 7 weeks I believe. I sat and thought about that this past week. It wasn’t seven consecutive weeks, it was more a week here, 2 1/2 there another 3 here etc. Its amazing how unproductive that thought made me feel.

I feel like I have just been wasting away in bed, in pain these past weeks.

Truth is, I don’t think I can do a “normal” 9-5 anymore………….well at least in my present work environment/ doing my present job. I wear the compression hosiery as a rule and I sit with my feet up and reduce my walking and moving around but it is still too much on my body. The more fatigued I become, the more pain I am in, the more pain then the more meds I need; the more meds I need then the more time I have to take off work, Its a vicious cycle.

I need a space where I can lie down in the middle of the day for an hour and then wake up and go again. One where I am not as pressured and hurried. I need a slower pace.

Reading about and talking to many other chronic pain warriors, its not that we can’t work or be productive but the terms under which this is done require adjustments and a measure of flexibility that is at times difficult to find in mainstream workplaces.

Back in March I wrote March 2018: I’m 1 in 10….Oh the Irony! That was focused on my Endometriosis more than anything else. Since then both conditions have gotten worse. I have a blood filled cyst that is ever increasing in size on the left ovary and at least two other fluid filled ones and a host of free fluid in my pelvis. That combination is very painful especially at ovulation and cycle times.

These cysts stop me from wearing my stockings as often as necessary because the stockings compress the abdomen which in turn pushes on the cysts, which as you may imagine is problematic.

The reduced wear of compression stockings has caused me to have many more vein blow-outs than normal. Again instant pain……I also started getting veins bursting and bleeding into the tissue. So, I would awake with a pool of blood just beneath the surface of my skin and the veins around it raised. The pools take a few weeks to disappear and in themselves do cause some degree of extra pain, especially within the first few days.

I’m driving less, leaving home less, scaling back on an already almost hermit like lifestyle……this is absolutely crazy!!!!!!

So, I’m sick and tired……………….now what is the change?

What is it that I am going to do differently? Well, first I have to have surgery to deal with the cysts and adhesions. After that…….I think I may be on the path to a whole new person.

See, I decided that I cannot just lie here in bed for the rest of however long and be sick. I have to live my life. If my body won’t cooperate, I have to use my mind. I must still strive to be the very best version of me in this season!

That Lyn, will push to have “Dr.” written in front her name. She will push to have the private psychological practice up and running and self-sustaining. She will push to travel and explore more. She will fight to live. I’ve no option really……………the alternative is to remain sick and tired and do nothing…..

 

 

Advertisements

Counting the Cost of Illness

9211f9b9a7a4dbcdba988d9a3bf02827-lupus-quotes-hashimotos-quotes

 

 

I’m not sure if its the time of year and that my birthday is approaching OR the fact that I’ve been ill over the past few weeks in one way or another OR the seemingly unrelated conversations I’ve had during those weeks OR just wanting to do certain things but not being able to………….just feeling a bit morose right now ūüė¶

As happens, in the midst of my pain and misery all the possible horrible things about my life come to mind. You would think that I should be looking at the bright linings on the clouds or something; that never happens by the way. It seems that as soon as I get a bit down I just ruminate on everything else that will push me further.

Staying positive is hard work!

I guess the first aspect of me counting the cost is financial. Its one thing for me to think that I can’t afford an item/ trip/ experience because I simply can’t and another to know that things would be different- at least from my present viewpoint- if I weren’t ill.

Truth is the cost of living in Barbados is pretty high. I remember when we could easily feed our family of 5 for an entire month on $600. Only returning to purchase vegetables and fruit on a weekly basis. That’s laughable now; yes the children are older and eating more but food really shouldn’t be costing $1200 or more a month. Yet, it does.

This of course is compounded by my gluten intolerance and fructose malabsorption; which both require that I have specialty items that are more pricey than the average.

Outside the food though, I feel like being ill has just drained my resources and as soon as I start to see my way back to saving and working on debt, up something else comes. I started to add my bills for surgery alone over the past 6 years and stopped when I passed $50,000. Yes the health insurance paid some of it but surgery year after year will deplete savings and incur debt. That total does not include bloodwork, ultrasounds, x-rays, doctor’s visits and meds which are regularly scheduled parts of my routine. My general medicine on a monthly basis costs around $100. In actuality that’s $500 since I only pay 20% of the cost and the health insurance covers the 80%……for most things anyway. Still grateful for that…yes.

A family member was asking last week if I had a retirement savings plan …….my response was “right now I am trying to live, retirement is a ways off and I may never get there”. Truth is, its on my list of things to do. However, with my total health care costs, health insurance, life insurance, my other debt and trying to save for college for the children…………there’s nothing left at the moment for it. In that moment I just went……if only.

So that’s financial costs. I am forever broke…………..long and short of it all.

Outside that, the cost to my family is constantly on my mind. I went to pick up my son from club two Saturday nights ago and he asked as soon as he saw me if he could attend the “social”. I just stared at him.

All his friends were looking and waiting on my answer. Since, they were all going and I could only tell him that I had to go home. This he knew. He knew I had to get home to take my meds and that I was out longer than usual and would crash as soon as I got into the house. Yet, he asked.

My son knows that I am ill and I cannot be out at night because I am just too tired and weak and its not safe. He knows that I truly am not able and his father has to do so much more because of it. Yet, the 11 year old wanted to be able to enjoy a night with his friends. So, I had to be the one to say no again….and again.

His teacher offered to take him and bring him home after ……………I was grateful. However, on the way home his sister was very quiet in the car. I asked her what was wrong and she said she wanted to go to the social also. Well, she’s 9 and not in his club or group …………..and honestly is someone offers to help with one child I won’t ask them to do the same with the other. I looked at her and my heart hurt. Then she said ” mummy I’m not angry, I’m just sad that you are sick and I can’t go”. I told her “I’m sad too”.

That scenario has played out time and again in my home. Event after event that either I cannot afford to pay for so they can attend because I can’t risk spending out of budget and then need the funds or I can’t take them to because its at night or I am just not well enough.

Families of the chronically ill have a hard time…………..especially children. I think its teaching them many valuable lessons but not all lessons that they need to have at this stage in their lives.

That sounds quite profound ………………….doesn’t stop me from crying…………sometimes daily.

In terms of counting the cost of my illnesses, the last major thing I fear losing is my sanity.

I know illness and especially chronic illness is a major risk factor to mental illness and depression. Sometimes I do feel like I am losing it. I do feel like I cannot do it anymore………..its too difficult. Sometimes, I do feel like I am just fighting a losing battle.

Some days are hard.

Some days I cannot even articulate how difficult it is to just push through the day.

A friend told me yesterday that “love goes a long way”. I know this to be true.

I believe that its the prayers of my friends and loved ones that keep me going. I know that many people don’t believe as I do but I know that there is nothing earthly that is responsible for the fact that I am still here and still in my right mind. In my human strength alone I would not be here today. It can only be God.

So, today I am morose. reflective, down, weary, “depressed” and many other words. Thing is I’ve been here before. The one lesson I have learned through all this is “this too shall pass”.

I will have better days and worse days and good days and horrible days but I just have to hold on. Hold on to those I love…………..hold on to love. There are many of us all across the world fighting for ourselves and fighting for each other. One day it will make a difference.

Until then, I can record this all here……………………..so I can return and read it the next time I need to count the cost.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mandatory Sensitivity Training?

sensitivity-training-and-emotional-intelligence-2-638

Even as I type this title I am wondering why is it that people even need sensitivity training? What happened to our ability to empathize and treat people how we would want to be treated? What happened to thinking before we speak?

So, as you know I applied to a Doctor of Psychology programme and was accepted. I had originally set my start date to July 1, 2017 but due to everything that has transpired over the past few weeks/ 2 months I started to rethink that date. I though about it from the financial standpoint, since I just had surgery and will be doing a few courses of treatment over the next months. I also thought that as excited as I am to study again I need to take care of my emotional health as well before I launch into that.

Bearing this in mind I emailed my academic advisor and queried  deferring the start date of the programme and how exactly that could be done. I have yet to decide if I am going to push back to 2018 or attempt to start later this year. 2018 seems more logical at this stage.

I also queried if the university had any measures in place for chronically ill students or those who suffered from chronic pain. I just wanted to know; I like to have all the information together so that I can make an informed decision.

Anyway, she responded giving me various contacts to check for direct answers to my queries, including the university Registrar and Finance Department. She also informed me that I had been assigned a new advisor and she would be contacting me soon.

So, this new adviser contacted me shortly thereafter and the email went like this:

“Hi Lyn, I am Jane Doe your new academic advisor. I have read the email you sent to X and I think you should cancel your enrollment with the university. You seem to have a lot going on.” ;(

I was livid. I did not read anything beyond this point and I hit reply immediately. I just could not let this go. How dare she recommend that I drop out because of all the stuff I had going on? What had me even more upset was that she and I had never spoken or had any conversation, even via email, up to this point. I basically told her I didn’t understand how the response to my queries could be cancelling enrollment and from someone who has taken no time whatsoever to know anything about me beyond my name on a file at the university. I asked her what gave her the right to make any recommendation to me furthermore that one.

I then took the phone and called the university and spoke to her directly, I let her have it. I had to inform her that she was out of place as far as I was concerned and could benefit from sensitivity training. How would she feel if she was dealing with an illness that is impacting her ability to study as she wished and she was trying to find the best course of action and someone she had never interacted with told her to quit……..well then added on after saying quit………..until things have settled down a bit.

I also informed her that there will always be something going on, there will always be something to push through. If I quit at the slightest pain or struggle I will never get anywhere.

After I had said all I needed to say, she apologized profusely. Truth be told, I didn’t care for her apology. It meant nothing to me. …………This is why we have to be careful what we say to people. Once the damage is done the words cannot be unsaid and apologies do not cover the scars.

I requested a different academic advisor…..she and I will not do.

What is it that makes chronic pain/ illness synonymous with inability in some people’s minds? Why do we have to keep fighting to prove to people that we can do, be, learn, produce etc. just as well or better than those who may not have our struggle? Our process may be different and our path may have a few more twists and turns than others but we will get there.

I wish people understood the impact that their words spoken in ignorance have on others. If I was not as strong a girl as I am I probably would have cancelled my enrollment or at the very least been upset and said nothing about it.

Its about time that people learn how to relate to others. I thought it was something that came naturally to us humans but apparently it is not. People working in positions where they interface with the public and definitely in positions where their opinion has some bearing on decisions made should have sensitivity training.If it is already a part of them, great they will just be reminded. However, if it is not- as in the case of the advisor- they will do well to learn.

sensitivity

The Measure of Success

0ffee2040d58e55f41c47ae421910aaf

How do we measure success? How do I measure the success of the surgery? Is it an all or nothing thing?

This morning I awoke feeling crampy and aching all over. I’ve got pain on the right just around the ovary and my brain is kinda fuzzy. Feels like PMS………well in my case PNothingS. Great! Just wonderful!

Honestly, from Friday I was feeling like my hormones were getting wacky. I decided to adopt a wait and see attitude. I don’t know about others but after gynae surgery my cycling goes haywire and takes some time to settle down. According to my charting before the op, I should have ovulated last week. Obviously with all the organ handling, separating and removal on May 10, I was still in post op pain and mode last week. I now need to start charting again to establish what the cycle will be.

So, what does this pain today mean? As I am writing here I have already taken some meds and the pain is between 6 and 7…………livable/ doable. Does this mean that the surgery was not successful?

I think its too early to even think that. Things need to heal first before I can truly assess the pain. Even then, if the pain levels are still as they were before does that mean no success?

I’ve thought about this, spent a lot of time on it actually. I would say no; success is not as cut and dry as pain before surgery/ no pain after surgery OR horrible pain before surgery/ less pain after surgery. I think I should look at the little things, small progresses made and see how they add up as opposed to looking for the drastic change.

So far I’ve noted success in:

  • Bowel function- I can have a BM now without intense pain, stretching and cramping and having to move from bathroom to bed and stay there for at least half an hour before I go anywhere or do anything.
  • Sleep- I am sleeping more now that being awake throughout the night from pain. I still need to wake up to empty my bladder but for the most part I can sleep.
  • All day pain- previous to the surgery I was in pain all day long. Up until today that was not the case since the op. There is pain yes but not consistently throughout the day. It will take me some weeks to work through what is happening now and see if the pain has reverted to mainly cyclical and minimal in between.
  • Mental State- the impact that chronic pain has on mental health should never be discounted. Previous to the surgery, the flare I was in had lasted so long that I was really down in the dumps. I smiled and did what I had to/ what I could to fulfill my various roles but beneath it all I was seriously struggling mentally. Right now I am in a better mental space. Partly because of the improvements¬† I mentioned above and also because I was able to get some questions answered by having the procedure i.e what was stuck to what, where the growths were etc. So no matter what happens going forward at least I start from a more stable space.

Each of these things is major in its own right. Each one was a source of worry for me before the op and contributed to my overall disposition. The improvement equals success to me. I claim the small victories.

If we continue to look for the big earth shattering changes, most times we miss the small but significant ones.

Yes, I’m in pain today. It may continue for a few hours or a few days I have no idea. What’s good though is that I am in a better place to deal with it now. That’s success.

As the quote above says, this is a storm that I am in. I don’t know how I get through most times (actually I do………it’s all God) and I have no idea if it is over or when it will be over. However, the one thing I do know is that when it is over/ when it wanes before picking up again I can see my growth. I can see how I have developed and how I have become stronger. The person I was going in is not the same person coming out.

This to me is success!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pearls of wisdom :(

10419ec563670bc7a4f5c3a936c720be

This week is shaping up to be an epic week. Its absolutely amazing all that has happened and this is just the second day.

I wrote just yesterday about being tired of explaining to people that I am ill regardless of how I look in the post¬†How to look sick‚Ķ‚Ķ‚Ķ... I really am tired of it. I wonder sometimes how many people really believe me when I say I am in pain. I’ve had enough medical professionals call me crazy so I guess the average person isn’t that far off when they doubt me.

I was talking to an acquaintance this morning and the person asked me what were my plans for the day. I responded that there was not much on my schedule and I was in bed getting a bit of rest because I wasn’t feeling great. The response I got was ” you always in bed, try and get out,¬†conquer the pain“.

As positively as I tried to regard that statement my thought was “what! really!” I really wanted to give a genuinely nice slant to it but it reached me as a negative comment about me and in turn the way I handle being ill.

The word conquer means to get the better of/ overcome/ master/ take control of. Those are the words that came to me in the first instance. How could this person say such a thing. As if it is sooooooo very easy to control the pain and not let it control me.

So what, I am always in bed. No, I don’t love being in bed so often but lying down helps significantly because it takes the pressure of my back and pelvis and the pain is less intense. So, if I can stay in bed and still do work on the computer etc. I will.

This morning though I was just in bed, in pain. I had already started doing laundry and stopped because of the pain. The washer was still running and I fully intended to at least hang the clothing when it stopped, but for the moment I needed to rest.

Conquer also means to surmount/ rise above/ get over. Unfortunately, these more positive meanings did not come initially. In the moment I responded to the individual “if only it was that easy”……. instead of all the other words in my head. This was good though, those other words weren’t reflective of my character.

After I had calmed down and was able to get out of bed again, I decided to look at it positively instead of negatively. I decided to process it, think all my feelings through. See what else was coming to bear on my reaction and look at the statement for what it was…..just a statement; not necessarily intended negatively.

Truth is that it is very easy for me to lash out, if only in thought, at others because of what they say and do or rather how I perceive what they say and do. I have to be so careful with what I say because in the midst of pain and especially extended periods of pain my judgement is skewed.

Pain causes me to be short and sharp with people. Many times this is why I stay alone……for fear of lashing out in anger and frustration at the person in front of me when it is the illness and pain that I want to shout at. I am working on this. Like most other things, awareness is where the change begins……. I am aware.

So, I will not let the pain define me. I will not let it change me. If I inadvertently hurt someone because of it I will apologize but I will try first not to hurt them. Even if the thoughts come, I will keep my mouth shut until I can process them. Some things when said cannot be unsaid.

I will take the advice given this morning. I will conquer the pain. I will rise above it and surmount it. This I will do by continuing to follow my dreams. I will continue to work and study. I will continue to do the best that I can from day to day.

On those days like this morning where I have to rest, I will not view that as the pain conquering me; rather, I will see it for what it is. That is just me doing the best that I can in the moment.

The only time the pain will win is if I give up………….and that is not an option.

I will conquer!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to look sick………..

641b9af8f29d699da4896b1fc2d25545I’m so tired of explaining to people that my looks have nothing to do with how I am feeling or whether I am actually sick/ ill or not. Time and again I say to people I am not well and hear them say “but you don’t look sick”.

Just yesterday, someone approached me; I was sitting hunched over with my head on a table. “Hi Lyn, I heard you weren’t well”. That comment made it seem like it was in the past so I responded ” I am still not well”. ¬†The next response was ” but you don’t look sick, you, look healthy and bright”.

“Looks can be deceiving”, I replied.

You know there’s a book titled “How to be sick”? I thought I should write one titled¬†“How to look sick”.

Now since I can’t write a book overnight, I have done what I am calling “Lyn’s Quick Guide to Looking Sick: All you need to know in one place”.

I should probable say that these steps are guaranteed to get people to believe you are really ill. Try one or all and tell me about results:

  1. Don’t Smile– Keep your face screwed up all the time. Never wear a smile, only frowns. If you smile people will think that you can’t possibly be sick. It’s a fact! Sick people always frown, that’s all they do apparently. So if you want to convince people that you are actually ill……… don’t smile.

2. Stay at home– This should actually read, never leave your house to go anywhere ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†beside the doctor and back. That is…..no shopping- groceries or otherwise; no ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†conducting business of any type; no work; no driving; no going to the beach or ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†park……… or anywhere else. It’s proven that sick people don’t leave the homes ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† because if you leave you can’t possibly be ill. It would mean that you are faking it ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† because somehow ill and housebound are synonymous (no offense meant to those ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† whose illness leaves them housebound). So just stay at home.

3.¬†If seen walk slowly– There is no way that one can be ill and walk at a regular pace ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† or faster than another person; that is absolutely unheard of! If you are ill as you ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† claim to be it must be manifested in your walk, you must move slowly and with ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† caution (mind you depending on my pain level I do walk rather slow but I’m not sure ¬† ¬† ¬† it makes a difference). People who are not ill walk briskly and get where they are ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† going quickly; the sick ones don’t……. that’s just the way it is. So walk slowly.

4. Cry Often and in Public– Ok, firstly I do cry often when it gets really bad. That’s not what I am talking about though. You need to cry and let loads of people see you crying. If you are actually ill with these chronic and painful conditions, you will be constantly sad……right? Actually, you would be depressed (truth is some of us get depressed and are depressed I know, this is not about those of us).

So someone who is sick cannot be happy and go through a day like any ordinary person without crying. We must cry from the pain and the situation and every and any other random thing. We do this because we are actually ill and that’s what ill people do. Apparently crying often and in public are sure fire signs of being sick………..if its not present we just don’t cut it. Cry in public¬†……….do it often.

5.¬†Be Disheveled and Unkempt– Friends, this is a biggy. This really is a good indicator of illness. We must be disheveled, untidy………..somewhat not put together. There is no way under the sun that we can be sick and dress well, with everything in place, neatly ironed clothing, hair well done and styled or at least visibly combed. We definitely cannot have make up- even the basics like powder or lip gloss……….that is an absolute no no.

If we are actually sick, all those things will be things of the past. How can I look at someone and say that I am ill and look so amazing in my clothing and everything in it’s place? That’s impossible…………it must be! I must be lying!

 

This is as far as I have gotten in my “Guide to Looking Sick”. When the other tips come to me I will be sure to share with you all.

Unfortunately, even if I do all these things people will still look at me and doubt every word coming out of my mouth. Its hilarious because if I had to choose an illness to have……….if I had no option of being well but had to be ill and could choose it…………I would probably choose one that people could see manifested somehow.

I don’t like the term “invisible illness” because it makes it seem as if the people are invisible too…………..and I am far from invisible. However, I would choose an illness that was less stress to prove its existence. One that I won’t have to prove that my pain is real and I am not mentally ill.

So, I don’t care if i don’t look sick/ill to those looking on. The way I look on the outside says nothing about the constant turmoil and pain I experience. If you doubt me, that’s ok, just leave me be. I have no time for people who need proof. Truth is, for some they will never sympathize or empathize unless its hits home to them, either they become ill or someone they love dearly. Only then will they believe me and others like me.

That is sad and unfortunate……..but it is the truth.

Surgery on the horizon: bittersweet decision

8083916_orig

I finally had my appointment with the surgeon last weekend. Over the past few months I have been back and forth to my GP, the hospital, OBGYN and finally the surgeon. My last visit with a doctor other than my GP didn’t go very well. I wrote about that in Dear Doctor from yesterday ūüė¶ . That visit was horrible. However, he did give a referral to this surgeon who specializes in Laparoscopic surgery. I really don’t want a large cut. I had that with the hysterectomy and it took sooooooo long to heal. I don’t want it opened again if I can avoid it.

I went to this surgeon and the visit was as far as night from day when compared to the last one. The appointment was at 8:40 a.m. I arrived a few minutes early and was immediately ushered into the nurse’s office for the urine, blood pressure and weight checks. The doctor came and ushered me into his office shortly thereafter.

I spent probably 30 minutes in his office with him. We discussed the referral from the previous doctor and then he put that aside. He was interested and invested in just listening to me tell my story. He took a comprehensive history of all my illnesses and medications, not just the pelvic issue related ones. He took the time to hear and see me. It was the most relaxing conversation I have had with a doctor, outside my regular doctor, in a long time.

We then spoke about the examination he wanted to do and why. He left me in the office to speak with the nurse and then ushered me into the examination room with the ultrasound machine. He took the time then to talk to me and ensure i was ready for the exam and then proceeded to do the pelvic exam. It was very uncomfortable but not painful. As usual it was most painful on the right, also as usual there was nothing “abnormal” about my examination.

After this was the trans-vaginal ultrasound. Again uncomfortable, but not painful. He concluded the examination and left for me to dress. He then returned and ushered me once again into his office where we spoke for just over half hour.

The ultrasound revealed that my left ovary appeared normal in size but for whatever reason he was unable to see the infamous right ovary. Trust me he did look and probe and probe. I actually asked him if something was lost while the exam was being done. It just seemed like he was probing a bit too much. However, the ovary couldn’t be seen.

Food for thought that is. Not sure what there is inside that could be hiding the ovary. Time will tell.

The doctor suggested that I go on a course of treatment with GNRH agonists. These would put me in a state of menopause. If the pain decreased then we would know for sure that the extra pain that I’ve been experiencing is due to Endometriosis. If it worked then I would have to use it indefinitely……..in reality more than 10 years.

The good thing about the visit was that although an OBGYN, he didn’t discount my Pelvic Congestion Syndrome diagnosis. He accepted that it exists and rightfully stated that there is still a lot of unanswered questions as far as PCS diagnosis and treatment is concerned.

He also accepted that surgery would help in determining and hopefully fixing the problem or at least alleviating the pain. I decided on the surgery, mainly because I had done the hormonal treatment before and it had not changed anything.

We put the wheels in motion for the surgery. I did the blood tests, made the appointment to see the anesthetist and sent the quotation to the insurance company. Due to the doctor’s schedule I will not be scheduled until May. I don’t have the date as yet but its better than nothing. I see the doctor in two weeks.

This decision is bittersweet to me. I am happy that there is some progress and we are going ahead. I am afraid though, that this op may change nothing. I am afraid to hope……….yet I can’t give up hope. Its all I have sometimes.

I accept that things may remain the same. That is the risk that I take. I am going in for an Operative Laparoscopy. While I am under, the surgeon will determine what is to be done. If Endometriosis is seen or any indicators of it they will be excised. The adhesions that are suspected, if seen will also be dealt with (this is a catch 22, this op will also potentially lead to adhesions). I also go in with the understanding that depending on what is discovered the op may be converted to open surgery. I’ve no control over any of this.

Yet, I am at peace with my decision. Like all else before, God and I will get through this together. He promised, and I trust His promises explicitly. This will get better, this too shall pass.