It’s been quite a while since I’ve written anything here and even longer since I’ve been even on the site reading what my peers have written. Have I been busy? Yes………….busy being sick.
They say that you have to get really tired of being “sick and tired” and then you will do something about it…..I guess this is me doing something about it 🙂
This term/ semester at work ran for 12 weeks, this is week 11 and thus far I have been away from work at home for 7 weeks I believe. I sat and thought about that this past week. It wasn’t seven consecutive weeks, it was more a week here, 2 1/2 there another 3 here etc. Its amazing how unproductive that thought made me feel.
I feel like I have just been wasting away in bed, in pain these past weeks.
Truth is, I don’t think I can do a “normal” 9-5 anymore………….well at least in my present work environment/ doing my present job. I wear the compression hosiery as a rule and I sit with my feet up and reduce my walking and moving around but it is still too much on my body. The more fatigued I become, the more pain I am in, the more pain then the more meds I need; the more meds I need then the more time I have to take off work, Its a vicious cycle.
I need a space where I can lie down in the middle of the day for an hour and then wake up and go again. One where I am not as pressured and hurried. I need a slower pace.
Reading about and talking to many other chronic pain warriors, its not that we can’t work or be productive but the terms under which this is done require adjustments and a measure of flexibility that is at times difficult to find in mainstream workplaces.
Back in March I wrote March 2018: I’m 1 in 10….Oh the Irony! That was focused on my Endometriosis more than anything else. Since then both conditions have gotten worse. I have a blood filled cyst that is ever increasing in size on the left ovary and at least two other fluid filled ones and a host of free fluid in my pelvis. That combination is very painful especially at ovulation and cycle times.
These cysts stop me from wearing my stockings as often as necessary because the stockings compress the abdomen which in turn pushes on the cysts, which as you may imagine is problematic.
The reduced wear of compression stockings has caused me to have many more vein blow-outs than normal. Again instant pain……I also started getting veins bursting and bleeding into the tissue. So, I would awake with a pool of blood just beneath the surface of my skin and the veins around it raised. The pools take a few weeks to disappear and in themselves do cause some degree of extra pain, especially within the first few days.
I’m driving less, leaving home less, scaling back on an already almost hermit like lifestyle……this is absolutely crazy!!!!!!
So, I’m sick and tired……………….now what is the change?
What is it that I am going to do differently? Well, first I have to have surgery to deal with the cysts and adhesions. After that…….I think I may be on the path to a whole new person.
See, I decided that I cannot just lie here in bed for the rest of however long and be sick. I have to live my life. If my body won’t cooperate, I have to use my mind. I must still strive to be the very best version of me in this season!
That Lyn, will push to have “Dr.” written in front her name. She will push to have the private psychological practice up and running and self-sustaining. She will push to travel and explore more. She will fight to live. I’ve no option really……………the alternative is to remain sick and tired and do nothing…..