The Space I’m in….

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I am slowly learning to accept and embrace my present space.

Many times someone would ask me a question and upon my response I would say “I’m just not in that space right now”. Meaning whatever it was I was not in a position to think about it or deal with it, my mind was elsewhere and I was not trying to shift it.

You know I have been talking for the past few weeks of the levels of pain and the challenges I have been having with just everyday stuff. Things like the ordinary cooking and sweeping and just trying to have a relatively tidy space.

I’ve been doing the physical back and forth to hospital, insurance company etc. in preparation for surgery. I’ve also been doing some reflection and just getting myself emotionally ready for the procedure and really going in blind as I will be.

As part of this have been turning down speaking engagements and presentations; trying to ensure that I am unencumbered and can just take the time to recover. However, over the past week I have had a few commitments to meet including a presentation to colleagues.

I have been “suffering” along with everything else with some serious brain fog. Just can’t remember anything. I prepared for the presentation as usual and although I really didn’t feel well I was off to do the presentation.

Sidebar: I have been on the other end of someone cancelling on me the last minute and I really try not to do that to others. Yes, they are aware that I have been increasingly ill recently, yes, I am sure someone else could have done the presentation even if I was still at the meeting but….I like to keep my commitments as much as humanly possible.

If I’m really honest as well I still want to be able to do something besides staying at home……….so I went to do the presentation that I had agreed to do two months ago.

I stood to do the presentation and I was trembling, not from fear, rather from the pain and fatigue.

I made it through the presentation but in my mind it was horrible. I was lost so many times and just filled in the spaces until I found my way again. I guess persons thought it was planned.

They complimented me and said it went very well. I decided to just accept what they said. I know though, it was far from reflective of my abilities and my preparation.

So what space am I in?

I’m in a space where I just have to accept that I can’t right now. Not even those things that I can usually do when in pain.

The brain fog on top of everything else is too much now. I haven’t given up……..I’m accepting that in this space some things are not possible.

I’m in a space where stress is not my friend and it makes no sense to worry about what I cannot do…..what I cannot change. I just have to work with it. It won’t last forever. This I know.

For the next week I will just continue to prepare for the surgery emotionally and psychologically.

As all else ………….this too shall pass. Until then I will embrace and accept the space……..