The Space I’m in….

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I am slowly learning to accept and embrace my present space.

Many times someone would ask me a question and upon my response I would say “I’m just not in that space right now”. Meaning whatever it was I was not in a position to think about it or deal with it, my mind was elsewhere and I was not trying to shift it.

You know I have been talking for the past few weeks of the levels of pain and the challenges I have been having with just everyday stuff. Things like the ordinary cooking and sweeping and just trying to have a relatively tidy space.

I’ve been doing the physical back and forth to hospital, insurance company etc. in preparation for surgery. I’ve also been doing some reflection and just getting myself emotionally ready for the procedure and really going in blind as I will be.

As part of this have been turning down speaking engagements and presentations; trying to ensure that I am unencumbered and can just take the time to recover. However, over the past week I have had a few commitments to meet including a presentation to colleagues.

I have been “suffering” along with everything else with some serious brain fog. Just can’t remember anything. I prepared for the presentation as usual and although I really didn’t feel well I was off to do the presentation.

Sidebar: I have been on the other end of someone cancelling on me the last minute and I really try not to do that to others. Yes, they are aware that I have been increasingly ill recently, yes, I am sure someone else could have done the presentation even if I was still at the meeting but….I like to keep my commitments as much as humanly possible.

If I’m really honest as well I still want to be able to do something besides staying at home……….so I went to do the presentation that I had agreed to do two months ago.

I stood to do the presentation and I was trembling, not from fear, rather from the pain and fatigue.

I made it through the presentation but in my mind it was horrible. I was lost so many times and just filled in the spaces until I found my way again. I guess persons thought it was planned.

They complimented me and said it went very well. I decided to just accept what they said. I know though, it was far from reflective of my abilities and my preparation.

So what space am I in?

I’m in a space where I just have to accept that I can’t right now. Not even those things that I can usually do when in pain.

The brain fog on top of everything else is too much now. I haven’t given up……..I’m accepting that in this space some things are not possible.

I’m in a space where stress is not my friend and it makes no sense to worry about what I cannot do…..what I cannot change. I just have to work with it. It won’t last forever. This I know.

For the next week I will just continue to prepare for the surgery emotionally and psychologically.

As all else ………….this too shall pass. Until then I will embrace and accept the space……..

 

 

 

 

 

 

IV Meds at home…..good/ bad????

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I woke on Wednesday in unbelievable pain. Actually I was in this pain from Tuesday night. The Psychologist in me though refused to accept that it was a s bad as it felt. I literally said to myself ” Lyn, you are upset with the way things went at the hospital. This pain is not that bad. It’s the emotions getting in the way”…………..Right!

Recall I had been ill all weekend……..this was just writing on the wall.

So I accepted that I would have to see my doctor I needed to get some help because my pain meds weren’t working. When he messaged after 5 a.m. I basically said I couldn’t take it any more. Well to my dismay he responded that he was not going to be in office because he had home visits to do. Sigh!

A little later he told me that he could come to the house and set up the IV, do a visit and return to take it down. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Well desperate situations……desperate measures.

He arrived with the meds and stuff, asked for a clothes hanger and prepared to set up the IV. Then he said “well I have both IV Tramadol an IV Morphine; which one are we going with today?” Now it may seem strange to a reader that my doctor is asking me this but we talk through everything that is one of the reasons we get along so well. It was about what I thought I could handle and since I was the one in pain I could better gauge the severity.

I went for the morphine.

Problem #1: When I think of Morphine I think “that’s it, there’s nothing else to get now. You’ve been through all the other meds and now you are here. This is not a good place.” I have some real psychological issues to work through with this Morphine thing. Yet in the moment I knew that I had been taking the Tramadol all along and the pain wasn’t responding so there was no real choice.

Problem #2: This was all taking place in my house! All along this journey, I have been going to the doctor’s office every few months to get these IV meds when I hit a hump and returning home. Doctors are seen in office or at the hospital…….NOT AT HOME! So what does this mean? He visits those who can’t get out of their houses at home or those who are in need of palliation and / or bed ridden. Does this somehow place me in those categories?

See Psychological issues…………..need to go to therapy!

Yes I had a struggle for a few beats. Truth is I want my home to be free from all that. I want home to be a place of comfort and solace not a place where I get medical treatment.

However, I just said “girl get a grip. This is what it is right now, deal with it. Don’t attribute anything to the process that isn’t there. The doctor is here to help you and stop you from having to wait another whole day before you can get the meds. That’s all.”

Truth be told that was all. There was nothing more to it. If he had been working out of his office on Wednesday I would’ve gone there.

Still I would rather my home just be my home.

In this fight with chronic illness though we need be careful what we take issue with when it comes to our care. So I know now that if the situation arises again where I have to be treated at home I will deal with it. My care comes first regardless of location.

I can handle it………….home or not at home…………the outcome is greater than the means.