So weak…………………sigh

sam_0270I am so tired right now. It seems like tired is all I know. Weak is what I feel more than anything else.

Today I left home for a bit. I took my daughter to the orthodontist, left and made a stop at the bank and then to the grocery for a few minutes. All in all I was driving for about an hour and walking for probably 80 minutes.

Truth be told, when I left home I wasn’t feeling even 70% but life goes on whether I am well or not. I was in pain, but not horrible. Everything went well until I got into the grocery.

Tomorrow is a holiday so there were many more people than usual shopping, the stores here will only be open again on Saturday and then not until Tuesday. I guess people were stocking up. Me, I just wanted to grab 5 things and get home.

I got the items and then moved to the cashier and joined a line. There were probably 10 cashiers open at the time but the lines were all long. By now I had been standing and walking for about 20 minutes. As I stood waiting to reach the cashier, I just felt worse, the pain got worse, my eyes grew a bit dark. I grabbed the trolley and just started to pray…”Lord don’t let me collapse in this place! Please don’t let it happen!”

I stood there sweating and praying, praying and sweating………..and hoping that I would make it. I even contemplated leaving the trolley and just going home. By now I was next in line but the pain…..it was blinding.

Thankfully, I made it through the cashier and to the car. The issue was how to get home. I live about 5 minutes drive from the supermarket but when I sat in the car I could not move. My daughter just sat there patiently waiting- its amazing how accustomed children become to these types of occurrences- until I lifted my head from the steering wheel and turn the ignition. Another 5 minutes passed before I actually put the car in gear and moved off.

We made it home, on no strength of mine. It was all God. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt.

That episode upset me though, have I too become just resigned to this? How could being away from home for 2 1/2 hours tire me to that extent? I used to be able to shop for an entire day! I mean really shop, not make two stops and go home.

Thing is I was too exhausted and in too much pain to even be frustrated. I came in the house and went straight to bed. Just another day where the children would find something to eat on their own.

Its depressing, how little I am able to do right now but I know this is not forever. I may be weak now but I know God isn’t and He is carrying me from day to day.

Yes, today was a setback, not necessarily physical but psychological. That’s all it was though. I am going to be able to exercise soon and I will eventually regain my strength. I have no idea if I will be able to run as I would like or push as I will like but I know for sure things will get better than this.

I trust that morning is coming…..the night will soon be past.

 

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Author: mypcslife

I am a Psychologist by profession, wife and mother. Living in the Caribbean island of Barbados.

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