These past few weeks have been rough, extremely so. I cried more than I have cried for years. I cried from frustration, from depression, from “isolation” (I wasn’t isolated but felt so), I just cried.
As you know I was at home from work for a while because the pain was just too much for me to cope with. It was not only physical, it became emotional and psychological. That combination threatened to undo me. I felt as though I was just unraveling and was powerless to do anything about it.
Reality is that emotional turmoil and psychological stress lead to decreased levels of coping. In my mind I just hit rock bottom. Truly, hit it. I had many days here at home alone in bed to consider all that was taking place in my body and mind. It exhausted me to the point where I just slept for hours on end. I needed to sleep, so I did.
I wish I could say that the pain has subsided or eased up any……it hasn’t.
I went back to work on Monday, not because I am any better, rather I felt I needed to go. This week is the last week of school here and I wanted to terminate with my interns and close off the office for the holiday.
Although happy to see me, my office personnel were and are concerned about my pain levels. I have been “surviving” on the maximum dosage of pain meds throughout the day. Just today, I had to put my feet up and lean back in order to stay at work. When the pain increased it jumped from 6 to 8 and began to threaten 9.
I came home after work, ate a little, took some meds and went to bed. I stayed in bed for 4 hours before I was actually able to get out. I tried before and it didn’t work. The pain was just piercing my body. As usual it was mainly concentrated in the right ovary but extended across my lower back and down the right leg. On two occasions I attempted to get up from the bed but the pain just pushed me back down. Its unrelenting.
So, from January to now my spiral continues. Yes there are moments where I can do stuff; I was able to bake the children some cake for the children on two occasions. They were really happy about that. I still cook, although I do most of it sitting instead of standing like before. For the most part though, my bed and couch have become my best friends. I loved them before but we are almost inseparable now.
How do you answer the question when you forgot what normal feels like? You don’t. At least not in a way that makes any sense to those who ask it. I’ve also learned that normal doesn’t exist, not really. It is what I make it. Right now, normal is more hours in bed than out, that’s ok. Normal evolves as things change.
I continue to pray and trust that my normal will one day be free of pain……….and if that’s not an option……….then that the pain will be manageable. I refuse to let this pain define me………I cry….. but then I move on.