I wrote a few days back about being in a downward spiral and feeling helpless to stop it. Right now I feel as though the spiral has slowed but intensified- just like a hurricane that slows down is building strength and will be more dangerous when it reaches land.
Since my visit last week with the surgeon and the next day appointment with my doctor, well actually since the meltdown and IV meds the week before that things have not really improved.
True I am not in pain at level 10 anymore but it is not going below 6-7 either. Most times I hit 10 and have to go in for emergency relief, things get better for a bit. The pain levels drop way down to 5 or below. I feel as though I could have a few “good” weeks without having to go into the office or emergency for help. As if the pain can be managed with my meds at home alone.
This hasn’t happened in this instance.
Over the past 7 days I have been in pain at a constant 6.5-7. In the midst of this has been hours of pain ranging 8-9 where I just had to stop doing everything and stay in bed. I have been home from work and have had the opportunity to rest. I have not been trying to do much of anything at home.
On Friday, I decided to put some clothes in the washer, mainly my stuff because hubby and children do most the laundry anyway. I got the basket down the stairs- no problem- and put the clothes in and set the machine going. There was food from the day before so I didn’t have to cook and I just left the house as it was (no cleaning) and went to rest while watching a bit of television as the washer ran.
When it stopped, I went back down the stairs to hang the clothing on the lines (most people in Barbados don’t have dryers and if they do we usually hang clothing on lines to dry because its generally hot and sunny here).
I don’t know if it was the reaching into the washer to get the clothing or the raising my hands up to hang them but I was instantly dealing with some sharp pain. Being who I am I gritted my teeth and decided I would get the clothing hung regardless of the pain.
This is just one example of the week but all week long I had situations like that. I have increasing pain in my back and pelvis with full bladder or bowels and after emptying either. Walking is an exercise in pain right now…………actually any movement is. I have difficulty sleeping because of the pain.The past few nights I’ve just rested my head on hubby so he could hold me and offer some comfort as I lay awake-obviously this means he is not sleeping either.
Its almost as though every pain has been magnified since I’ve been home. The pain is not reaching 10 but dancing by and then jumping back. It’s scary.
Emotionally, I am on edge because I can feel that the worse is yet to come. I am not trying to be pessimistic, rather realistic. When you have lived with illness for so long you get to know certain things. I can feel the decline in my body. I feel weak both physically and emotionally.
Its as if all of me knows that something I would rather not deal with is around the corner. Yet there is nothing more I can do to prepare.
Just like a hurricane warning………its given, we secure the house as best we can; raise the refrigerator and freezer temperatures to the highest to preserve the food longer in case the power goes out; we pack go bags in case we need to leave the house for a shelter; make sure everybody has water, canned foods, non-perishable stuff, medications; then we wait. After we have done all we can, we wait, praying it will pass us but prepared for the worst.
I am waiting now. Trying to go about my day, doing what I can, when I can, resting when I must. Dealing with the pain as it comes; taking pain meds as prescribed and just waiting.
I feel as if I think about it or talk about it too much I will break. If I break there will be no putting me back together soon because I am spent. Yet I continue….I just do what I can when I can……………..and I wait.