How does being Chronically Ill make you feel?
Its such a challenge to quantify all my feelings surrounding being ill. I guess growing up I never thought about having any illness for an extended period of time. You got ill, went to the doctor, took medicine and got better…………that was it.
In hindsight, this obviously wasn’t true but again I was socialized not to know what was going on around me in terms of illness. People in the family died and we never knew what the illness was they died from…………….even to this day some things are still kept secret.
So how do I feel? My first thought is Angry. Then because I know that anger really is a secondary emotion I have to dig a little deeper.
I am sad. When I think about all that my life could be and all that I have had to put aside or give up or not experience because of illness it makes me sad indeed.
I am frustrated. I feel sometimes like I am banging my head against a wall and opening doors that lead to nowhere or that promise something and then I get nothing.
I am disillusioned. I feel sometimes like there is no hope. I am constantly fighting this battle and there is no end in sight. Yet I keep fighting.
I feel like I have been short changed. Like there is more to life but I have somehow been given a bad deal.
I am scared. I fear that this is all I will know………..even bigger than my fears about myself are my fears about my daughter following this same path and having this drama to deal with throughout her life.
I feel alone. Sometimes, I feel like it is just me. Obviously, I know it isn’t; but I feel like it.
I know though that if I lived my life based on how I feel I would never achieve anything or get anywhere. So although I feel all the above on occasion, these feelings do not control my life.
So how do I feel? I feel all the above and more to a depth that I cannot truly explain. A depth that must be felt. A depth that you must look into my eyes to understand; where you must sit with me and cry to understand; where you must laugh with me to understand; where you must dance with me to understand; where you must walk in my shoes to understand.
I feel everybody has a struggle and we are all just trying to live and love. I feel happy, sad, contented, upset, miserable, peaceful, frustrated, elated…………………………………………………..I feel more than my words can say.