So my appointment as I mentioned before was for March 5. Didn’t make it……………well obviously today is only March 3.
Yesterday I had an epic meltdown; I was in pain –more than usual- from Wednesday at work. I hadn’t been at work on Tuesday so went on Wednesday in hopes of staying the entire day. By 10:00 a.m. I was ready to return home. Things weren’t going well.
I contacted the doctor but he was on the road all day doing visits and advised me to come into the office the following day.
By the time I awoke in Thursday morning the pain was pushing 9 and I was a wreck.
Hubby helped me into the office and went off to work. I sat doubled over just waiting until I could make it back into the exam room. I must have sat there probably 20 mins when it hit 10 and I started to cry. Softly, at first, no noise…………….but tears none the less.
I did not want to be that girl, you know the one who falls apart in the waiting room? The one who everybody is staring at and talking under their breath about. Well apparently I didn’t have a choice in the matter.
I grabbed the wall and went around the corner towards the bathrooms. I messaged a friend and asked them to call so maybe it would be a distraction and help……………didn’t work………………I all but collapsed against a wall and wept. If you can imagine loud, uncontrolled gut wrenching sobs with snot running from the nose and an inability to speak; that was me.
In the Midst of it I was thinking “this is really happening in truth? I gotta get a hold of myself”. Easier said than done.
In that moment all the pent up frustration and anger and pain from before that I had been keeping inside just came out. I wept for every time I had to say no to my children or my husband. I wept for all the days I wanted to do something, anything and couldn’t. I wept for the day I had to turn off the treadmill and get off because the pain was so bad. I wept for all the times I wanted to cry but held the brave face. I just wept.
It was cathartic…………but it was ugly.
As I squatted there, with my eyes closed, completely broken, around the corner came the secretary…..”Lyn come, come with me, let me get you in the back away from these eyes out here”. She said she had been watching me and had seen me go towards the bathrooms but when I didn’t return in the expected time had come to look for me.
She took me to the empty exam room, helped me onto the bed and then went to get the doctor. He quickly came with the IV stuff ready………………..we had spoken so he was aware of the pain levels earlier in the morning…………..As much as I hate IV meds, I was happy to get something for the pain.
It took about 5 minutes for me to settle a bit, enough to talk. By then the IV had started to do its job. The doctor just stood next to me rubbing my back and waiting until I was settled so we could talk. We had a mini conversation since I was exhausted and groggy and then I went off to sleep.
I am aware of him entering the room every 15 minutes or so to check on me as I slept.
I lay there for over 4 hours, mostly sleeping with the IV now on an extremely slow drip. I needed that rest.
If I think about it, I would like to control the places where I fall apart. I know it will happen time and again if I keep bottling up my anger and frustration. I get tired of subjecting my family to that though……………but it is what it is.
Hubby came back and sat with me until the IV was finished and we spoke with the doctor for a bit. As I said a few days ago in Downward Spiral, the time has come for action. To this end I have an appointment with the surgeon on Monday March 6. Time to put the wheels in motion. My life at this point is too impacted and controlled by these illnesses.
Hopefully we can one day soon put it all behind us and get on with life as it should be.