I’m exhausted………in every possible way.
Too tired to write, to think, to talk………just battle weary.
I’ve gone back to work, gone back not really because my time home was up- although it was- but moreso because I just didn’t want to be at home. Work gives me people to focus on and things to do. If I’m really honest it’s a distraction, a defense mechanism just like avoidance. When I am there I can force myself to think about something else or someone else; I don’t have time to focus on how frustrated I am or how weak I feel. It also feels really good to be able to do something to help someone else………even if there’s nothing I can do to help myself.
I don’t know if you have ever been driving from one place to another along a path that you travel often and realize that you are just doing it on memory. You are not really conscious of the road or buildings etc. that you are passing but you are just driving because you do it every day. I know this has happened to me and I know its not really safe because you can miss a lot when driving from memory. I know people who have been involved in accidents for the same reason.
The thing is, right now I feel like I am living from memory.
I am doing mummy and wife and Psychologist and whatever else is needed just from memory. I take care of the family, make and pack lunch, get the children ready, drop off to school, go to work, get through the day, pick up from school, go home and do the evening routine and start the next morning and do it all again.
The situation is so dire that I am not even wearing my “I’m ok, really” mask anymore. Worse yet I am not even bothered by this. I walked into my office one morning and my interns both looked at me and said “you ok?” I just said “no”. We continued through the day, they did what they had to and I did what I could.
Truth is I am just tired. Tired trying to eek out the good moments out of each day because the good days are scarce. I’m tired of medicine and doctors and pain and frustration.I’m just tired of it all.
Two days ago I decided that regardless of how I felt I was going to start exercising again. I may be battle weary and its ok to take a break but this is a war. I may be down now but that doesn’t mean I have lost. So I got up an took a walk on the treadmill. I put a movie on the computer and watched as I walked to stop me from running…….which is really my thing…..The 40 mins was good for me. There was some pain after……….but it was good.
The song says “sometimes you have to encourage yourself”. Sometimes I have to push myself, Sometimes I have to pull myself out of a slump. Sometimes I have to do the best I know how……….still believing and trusting that it will get better.