I work in a school and every day I do sessions with groups on self-esteem building and how to have positive self esteem etc…I talk all about affirmations and looking for the positives and celebrating your achievements and so many other things. All that I say is true but nothing prepares you for having an appendage, or apparatus that will draw attention to you and the questions and stares…….great self esteem and resolve test. Initially, I laughed inside because I knew I was failing big time!
These veins that I have on the inside of my body sometimes manifest themselves as hemorrhoids, well actually one hemorrhoid. From my research hemorrhoids are basically veins that are stretched and malfunctioning. Mine are caused by the faulty valves; so just another type of varicosity.
If you have ever had a hemorrhoid you know how painful it can become, itching and burning and just causing misery. I used to sit on the bias (diagonal ) so that I would avoid sitting squarely in the chair. The harder the surface on which I sat the more pain I would encounter. I found that even when I was not experiencing any hemorrhoid pain I would have increased pressure in my pelvis with sitting; especially on a hard surface. One day the doctor said “you should get a donut”. Ok I thought I will do that.
Initially I searched online and in rehab supply stores here and as I researched I decided that I would make my own. My donut looks nothing like the one in the photo. Yes it is the same shape but mine is covered in bright multicolored African print fabric with an accent piece in another color. I would take a pic and post but right this minute its in the car and that is just too far away.
So I made it and from day one as I sat on it I found instant relief. It was a breath of fresh air. When the hemorrhoid was problematic it helped because that part of my bottom was not in contact with the chair. Outside of the hemorrhoid it shifts the pressure in my pelvis and eases the weight considerably, in turn easing the pain. I usually can’t/ don’t sit for more than 1/2 hour without standing and walking for a few minutes, if I have to though, Once I have the donut its ok.
Initially, I walked with the cushion in a bag. When I took it out to sit on people would stare, to the point where they lost focus on what they were doing. Then the comments began. Never questions but comments. “The last time I had one of those I was having baby”; “Oh you have a pretty donut cushion!”; “Look she is sitting on a donut, wonder what happened with her?”
Remember, I spoke about the expanding abdomen? Well some people actually stood and focused their attention on my stomach. Yet, nobody was bold enough to ask me any direct questions.
Now as strong an individual as I am and as self assured as I know myself to be; the days when the pain is at its worse and I am relying on medication are days when I feel least sure of myself. I feel ugly and unattractive. Every negative thing that I can find about myself is magnified tenfold. My hair doesn’t look how I want it to; my face has pimples; my clothes don’t fit well; I’m miserable. On a rational and objective level I know its the pain and at times hormones that are clouding my judgement. I know I’m beautiful and looking great in my clothes. I know I am quite attractive and my face regardless of one pimple or many is appealing…..the problem is I don’t feel that way.
In these moments of pain, psychology would say my right brain takes over, all the emotions rule my thoughts, facts and what is real are shoved in the background. I’m vulnerable. On some of these days I’ve thought ” I can’t deal with the stares and the comments today, I should just leave the cushion in the car”. I almost did on occasion. Then I said ” girl you don’t owe explanations to anyone”. I had to come to accepting for myself that this is my reality now. I need the cushion, hemorrhoid or not. Its about comfort and its about health.
I decided to make a few more and have them as accessories to my clothing. Haven’t gotten around to it as yet but I will. I accept the way things are for now. They may change for better or for worse. Whatever comes I will handle. There will always be those days but I will continue to use my donut;I will continue to build my self esteem!