Today I cried….

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Today was a bad day as far as bad days go. I have been feeling under the weather for the past three days and have been taking pain meds to lessen the pain and help me through the day. On my 1-10 scale the days before this one were 6-7.5; still tolerable for the most part.

Last night I went to sleep and to be honest don’t really recall sleeping. I guess that is how it should be since you are asleep . What I really mean is I don’t think I really slept. I am aware of tossing and turning, shifting and moving pillows around to support my back and my pelvis. I didn’t find a comfortable position until about two hours before I expected to get out of bed.

I awoke to pain so intense I was crying and did not even realize until I attempted to sit up and it instantly multiplied and I felt the tears on my face. I think  I was in a state of shock, trying to process it all quickly. The pain was mainly surrounding my right ovary and down the right leg. I felt it all across my abdomen and into my back once I attempted to sit up.

I lay there just crying for about 10 minutes. It was still pretty early in the morning; my husband was already out for his morning run and the children were still asleep. For all intents and purposes I was alone……I felt alone. I started to wonder how would I get out of bed? Would I have to wait until hubby returned to get help? As I lay there my doctor messaged me (good support that he is) and I chatted with him for a bit. Recommendation: take the pain meds and remain in bed for about 1/2 hour. Great!!! Just how would I get the meds?

I crawled off the bed (that should really say walk but honestly I crawled) and took the meds and crawled back in. Yes they did kick in about 20 minutes later and I was able to walk…actually walk this time….rather slowly into the day. Doc recommended I keep meds and water near bedhead for moments like this one.

I dragged into the day still in intense pain but with enough edge knocked off to look to the average person as though I wasn’t that well but not as horrible as I felt. Upon arrival at my workplace ( I was driven) I took some more meds, tried to sit and keep quiet.

The pain peaked and waned (no less than 7 out of 10) throughout the morning. When it peaked I would start to sweat and with it I would start to cry. I sat with my feet up on the same level as my hips and just tried to breathe, but I cried.

I cried because of the pain; I cried because I was frustrated; I cried because people saw me and asked what was wrong; I cried because I had a plan for the day that I could not achieve in my present condition; I cried because I was miserable….I just cried. It brought an emotional catharsis but did nothing for the physical pain.

If I could’ve chosen I would have stayed home and wallowed. I hate days like this where the pain seems to define my every thought.

After lunch I took some more meds and did what I could for the afternoon….I then came to a point where I just said “I’m done”. I was done for the day. I knew I had tried all I could but nothing else was achievable.

On the way home, I dozed in the passenger seat. I arrived at home, did an extra quick supper for the family and I (so I could take some more meds) and just got into bed.

Here I am now, exhausted and spent. No energy, just pain and still I cry. I’m just praying tomorrow will be better.

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Author: mypcslife

I am a Psychologist by profession, wife and mother. Living in the Caribbean island of Barbados.

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