Pain flares: Deer caught in headlights!

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Today is the 10th consecutive day I am at home that I should have been at work. The reason: a pain flare 😦

You know in the movies where someone is in the middle of the street and a car/ bus/ vehicle is towering towards them and you want to scream “GET OUT OF THE ROAD! GET OUT…….”? Then you start to wonder what the script is all about because its so stupid……. someone could just move from the road? Then you start to think that its not a physical action that’s required but and emotional or psychological one and that’s what is keeping the person there?

Well, maybe you don’t analyse movies that much, but that “deer in the headlights” is me. Its me when going to and through a flare…………there’s nothing I can do. I will get hit and hit hard and I can only pray then that I can get back up again.

See, some of us know when a flare is approaching. There are all the warning signs that tell us to stop/ slow down but we can’t.

I knew that I was pushing it at work and doing more than I should; but it was work and it was necessary.

I felt the pain from driving and felt the afternoon fatigue coming earlier and earlier each day; but I changed nothing.

I knew I was eating and sleeping less and my level of productivity was dropping; yet I continued.

It stopped becoming about the vehicle that was approaching me and more about doing as much as I could before it hit. Only that in itself caused the vehicle to pick up speed.22df11541e2aab7a12cfe74ff80365e7-rheumatoid-arthritis-quotes-psoriatic-arthritis

Its a vicious cycle.

Truth be told, I didn’t wait until I collapsed at work or hubby had to drag/ lift me anywhere. I felt it happening and I spoke to the Doc.

Thing is thought that being proactive would make a difference. I was wrong!

The pain knocked me down and out in one go. Instantly, I was banished to bed and hardly eating. I was under the covers one minute and throwing them off the next because my body temperature went wacky- as it sometimes does.

I had to raise the extended release back to 90 mg a day (my original prescription) from 60 mg a day (what I was actually taking). I also had to take some fast acting morphine to just ease through the first few days.

Sounds like I was handling well…………………………but I wasn’t. I was losing it quicker than ever before.

The increased morphine helped with the pain but caused me to itch like crazy, especially at night, I don’t know if there is some significance to that and sleep but it was horrible. Between the itch and accompanying dry mouth, I was jumping out of sleep at least eight times a night. Unfortunately, so was my husband 😦

I could not sleep and became sleep deprived. I could stop the meds and have painsomnia or take them and have insomnia…………..not much of a choice.

It got to the point where I had a meltdown. I was in the middle of writing a class for university and fighting my way along through the pain, when I started to cry. I cried………….then I wept…………then I collapsed in a heap and continued to cry. My brain just shut down, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t process what was happening and I definitely couldn’t make sense of the work I was attempting to do.

I wound up saving the information to a flash drive alone and not as I usually do to another flash, the computer and one or two clouds. I then proceeded to break the flash drive and lose all the information. Then I just continued to cry. I could not stop………………………….I cried for anything and everything and nothing.

In order to sleep, eventually had to drop the dosage of medication back to below what was prescribed. I was able to sleep some but the pain just raged.

This was about 6 days ago and I am still in pain. Thankfully, its not as bad but it cannot be ignored. I can do more now but I cannot do an entire day, so I am still at home. I have no idea when the flare will end or how long before the next one.

All I know is I’m that deer caught in the headlights and unable to move. These illnesses are like cement keeping me in position and powerless to get out of the way. I can only prepare as best I can and then ride it out.

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On a scale of 1-10……

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On a scale of 1-10 where is the pain now? “9” I say , totally straight faced and cool. “Obviously, that cannot be true!”

My question is why not? Why can’t I be at level 9 in my pain scale and not be rolling over the floor crying and screaming? How do I do this? I’ve had years of practice.

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Firstly, I think that women are socialized to bear pain. We menstruate and are taught that pain is normal, any amount of pain is normal, so just bear it…………and amazingly we do!

Even when we can barely walk and can’t keep food down and are hardly functioning………we do.

So, we go along with no idea of what is too much pain………because there apparently is no such thing.

Then, we have children, we give birth to them. They say that childbirth / labour pains are the epitome of pain……………….. and yet we do it with such grace over and over again. That means that we can handle anything, any type of pain.

The thing about it is that my pain scale and your pain scale are completely different, There is no way of knowing what my 10 is vs your 10. My 10 may be your 15 for all we know.

The process and scale are completely subjective. So when the doctor asks ” 1-10″ he just has to believe that what I say is true.

Us women are great actors, we play many roles on a daily basis and expertly so.

I am mummy and that means that I have little human beings who need me to do things for them, to spend time with them and to take care of them. I definitely cannot do that effectively if I am doubled over in pain. So, I put on a smile and do what I have to . I may lean on a wall/ door every now and again or sit when I would normally stand or move slower…………but I still do what needs to be done.

Since I am concerned about my children’s emotional health I am cautious with how often I let them see me cry. I shield them as much as possible. After all I am the woman who walked around in labour and only stopped to brace when the contractions were close. If I can do that I can surely hide my pain from my children.

I am a wife, friend, Counsellor, Psychologist and so many other things. Each of these roles demands something different of me. Shakespeare thought all the world was a stage and we are all just actors. How true that is.

The other thing I have realized is that women keep moving the threshold of our pain higher and higher. It is an exercise in persistence but one that is familiar to us all. We teach ourselves how to endure ever increasing levels of pain and just smile through it. We are so accustomed to pushing past the pain that it becomes second nature. So level 10 this year may be lower than level 10 next year for  the same individual.

Reality is that asking me “1-10” is useless unless you are my regular Physician who manages my acute pain episodes on a regular. That is the only way that a doctor can truly understand when I say “9” and am walking into his office on my own. It would also help if he’s also seen what 10 looks like 😉 Then he is more likely to regard my rating as true.

I remember years ago taking a prescription for Pethidine to the Pharmacy and the Pharmacist questioning its accuracy because to her I looked fine.

Side bar: I find men are more quick to believe me than women 😦 Subjective much???? The profession requires objectivity though:(

The same thing happened when I first had my present morphine prescription; that was until I happened to be in the Pharmacy in the middle of the contraction like pains and was stumbling; good thing hubby was there to hold me up. They haven’t questioned the prescription since……..

So, it is safe to say that the scales as they exist need to be revised. Since pain in itself is a subjective experience and us women have taught ourselves to bear it; any external indicators must be taken with caution. The extent of my physical distress or lack thereof in NOT an accurate indicator of my pain levels.

The only true indicator is what I tell you!

Doctors and researchers need to look again at how they assess pain levels in women. Our socialization and practices have equipped us to endure untold levels of pain without any outward indicators.

Its about time doctors start listening to women!

Its about time doctors sought to understand women!

Its about time doctors start believing women!

Our pain is  more real than you can ever know………………

 

 

 

 

 

 

Truth is….

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Truth is …..its been a while since I wrote anything…………well since I wrote anything here. I wrote and just kept it to myself.

Truth is I’m tired. I don’t have any other words to use but to say I’m tired. Sometimes I say this and people tell me “yeah me too” but they have no idea what I’m talking about. This tired is so deep that only someone in a similar situation can understand.

My body feels like I am just dragging along each day. It take all my energy to get up and get going and then to do it all over again the next day. Right now I have been in bed for the past three hours and I can’t seem to get up from here. I think its my mind that’s tired as well as my body and I don’t know how to stop it from being tired. I am constantly processing everything and not coming up with any different answers.

Truth is I’m hurt.….and I am angry because I feel I should be able to just forget it. This week at work I passed and someone made a comment about my stockings. I admit its pretty weird, since Barbados is so hot, to see people wearing stockings of any kind; furthermore compression stockings. The other thing is that they are not in any way flattering to any outfit since they are so thick and concentrated in the color.

Now, I’ve heard comments before, but I just kept walking and told myself that I know why I am wearing them and anything said by others is irrelevant. This is 5 weeks back to work and about 8 full weeks wearing the stockings/ leggings everyday. Up until now it worked and I just went on through my day. However, this week I just felt like the comments pierced my armor. All the brave face and calm that came as a result of my rational thinking just flew right out the window. I hate the stockings, I absolutely hate them! Yet I know I have to wear them 😦  I just wish I could go out just once looking “normal”……that would bring more problems …so I wear them and try to smile when the looks and comments come and just do what I have to do.

Truth is I’m scared. I feel myself growing weaker and my inability to feel rejuvenated after a night’s rest dwindling. I feel my pain levels slowly rising and not falling at any point but slowly and methodically inching up. I feel myself moving towards a flare and I am scared.  yes, I’ve had flares before, I won’t choose to have one; but they are horrible. I’m trying to rest more and cut back and do all I know to stop it from happening but its just a matter of time. I know it!

Perhaps the worse thing about a flare is not the pain itself but the moment when it breaks and starts to wane. The effort it takes to return to some normalcy and some level of acceptable functioning is phenomenal. I know that right now, I don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to deal with anything………because I am so drained………….and now I am so scared.

I’m scared that I can’t do it this time, that I can’t keep doing this over and over again.

I know I need a break, but I can’t take one unless I have no other choice. I have to keep pushing and pushing just to keep my head above water financially and otherwise. I need to remain the together mommy and wife.

Truth is I feel guilty. Even writing this now, I feel guilty. I hate this back and forth for myself furthermore my family. It seems that just the moment when they start to breathe easy and stop being hyper-vigilant around me; is the same moment when things start to go downhill. Its almost like I have a maximum amount of time when I can be relatively OK and do most if not all that is required of me as mummy and wife and at work. Then I just get sick again- not that I don’t know I am ill- but get sick again in the eyes of others.

This is when the walking on eggshells around me and watching carefully so I don’t fall, watching my breathing and making sure I take my meds…….like some type of police officer…..starts again. Its almost as if they feel the need to do all they can to get me back to the “before flare” state.

I feel guilty for putting my family through this time and time again………..yet there’s nothing I can do about it.

Truth is I am all the above and more. My mind tells me to process it and work through it but I don’t have the will. I just want to ball up and have a good cry. Thing is my guilt will stop me from doing that …………………because everybody is watching.

I know I am not the only one who feels this way at times but truth is I am lonely. I can talk to those around me and my few friends about it but I still feel lonely. I think its because I know they don’t / can’t really understand what I am saying. Neither can they get what I am saying when I say nothing or just give the basic response.

Truth is people take it personally when I don’t want to talk about it all. They start to question my friendship………….if they tell me everything they why don’t I talk to them? Truth is there’s nothing more to say. 

Truth is I write more deeply than I talk

If they ask me now I would probably say I am ok. Funny thing is I am………………..but I’m not.

Truth is I am confused

Truth is I am miserable

Truth is I am not even sure myself.…………..I wish I could skip what is coming but that is the nature of the beast.

Truth is I know this will pass and I will be all positive again. I just would rather go on without the flare and all that surrounds it.

Truth is just leave me alone 😦

Accept She’s Gone: Give up on hope…

thinking-face_1f914I’ve written many times before about creating a new self and coming to a place of acceptance about my illnesses and the situation created as a result. Today I feel like a fraud. This is because once again I am at the stage of having to accept my limitations.

I honestly thought I had done this before. I sat and talked with myself and accepted that I am just not the same person anymore. Then I got a hold of a little hope and I forgot.

We say once there’s life there’s hope and once there’s hope we can live but hope can be a dangerous emotion at times. You see its ok when the pain is horrible and it is clear that nothing can be done at the moment. Then when I meet a new doctor who offers a different perspective, or I use a new medication and it offers a higher level of pain relief…..I begin to hope.

I begin to believe that things will get better…………things are better. To be in the least pain you have been in for months is cause for hope. To have a new procedure bring relief is hope. To find medication that works amazingly at first is hope. Then something happens that dashes it all.

When the pain intensifies, or my body builds tolerance for the medication and I feel the pain more or when a few days/ weeks/ months after the procedure I am back where I started; all my hope disappears.

I know the social butterfly does not exist anymore- she’s gone. I know super mommy and super wife is gone. I know that I am just not able to do certain things anymore but in the back of my mind there is still that hope which pushes me to go on.

So the day when I can cook a few courses of a meal and bake gluten free and regular cake my hope is high. When I can stay out a little longer or do a bit more at work I have that hope in the  back of my mind that I will be able to do it again tomorrow or next week. Then the day comes and I am stuck in bed in pain and its all gone.

I’m not the only one who has their hope dashed time and again. My husband and children are also impacted. Although, they live with me in this state they hold on to hope as if its a life boat and they are drowning. They see improvements and increased energy/ ability to perform a function and start to treat me as if I am well. Their requests and desires come to reflect that belief. I am then left to remind them that I am not well…….just as much as I remind them I have to remind myself as well.

So the deal is this: I am ill. I have no energy most days and I fight to push through. The deal is I have controlled substances to take in order to function.  The deal is I will never be that girl again and I have to accept that. The deal is I may have to set more realistic goals for myself that I can actually achieve,

But I refuse to let her go……….I refuse to give up hope; so what do I do? I’m getting tired of the balance beam that I’m on. I feel like I am falling …………on one side is utter despair and the other is hope. Where does being realistic stop and letting go of hope begin? Idk.

More and more I realize that this chronic illness/ pain management dance is an everyday struggle. My positive disposition yesterday is not enough to last for today. Yesterday’s acceptance and working within the confines of the illness are not enough to cover today when I want to run and can only walk.

In theory I accept that she is gone………….in reality I miss her………..I mourn her.

Processing Morphine

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Did I mention I had  morphine IV? I think so, I believe I mentioned it in my last post Stages of Chronic Illness.

This was almost 3 weeks ago now. I was set to return to work on Sept 4 and back to the doctor Sept 11.

Firstly work on Sept 4 was different to work on Sept 11. School staff return to work one week earlier than the students. So the students only joined us on Sept 11. My gauging pain/ progress really starts from Sept 11 (but that’s another post).

Anyway, at the doctor’s visit we discussed my using extended release morphine. We had this discussion before but I had always said no, I was not doing that.

You see in my mind morphine said I had reached a stage that I was not willing to accept as yet. It said that I was “really” ill. Yes I know and I have known I am ill for years now but here in Barbados morphine is related to being terminal or at the very least “forever ill”. When you reach the point of having to use morphine on a daily basis you know that there is no going back. You will never be “well” again.

So all this was going through my mind each time the discussion came up. I knew I would have to get the IV ever so often but taking the tablets at home meant something different.

My cognitive dissonance was high. I was in a battle in my mind over whether I should accept the prescription and try the drug or decide not to do it.

My other concern was becoming dependent on it. That was the most scary thought 😦 I did not want to even process that but I had to.

So there I was in the office, wondering if I was fooling myself by holding out hope that my situation could get better. Was I fooling myself? Am I fooling myself? Am I in denial? Does my refusal to just accept that my life will always be like this say that I do not accept that I am ill? Does the refusal say I am not being realistic? All those questions were going through my mind and on some days still go through my mind.

Chronic illness has a psychology all its own. As I wrote in the last post Stages of Chronic Illness, this process is anything but linear. That is why I go forward and backward; why I think I have made decisions and then go over them again.

As a Psychologist, I sometimes beat myself up because I do understand all this. I get it! I can help others with it! I just can’t seem to help myself 😦

So, I finally said “Ok I will try it” to the doctor and left with the prescription in my hands. Off to the pharmacy I went with trembling hands, an unsettled mind and dissonance enough for me and a few others combined.

Morphine is such a controlled substance here that it is not stocked by most pharmacies. I had previously been able to get the fast acting morphine solution from the pharmacy without issue but they did not stock the extended release tablets. They had to order the tablets for me and that would take about 24 hrs. That gave me some more time to ruminate; and ruminate I did. I spent the time going over all the information I had previously researched and just making myself more nervous about taking the meds. I was a hot mess, to say the least.

I brought the morphine tablets home and after much prayer, took the first one. I really didn’t know what to expect. What I got was a level of pain relief that I had forgotten was possible.

I have been taking them now for almost three weeks, daily. My prescription is not very high 90mg a day. I have dropped it to 60mg per day and I am still able to function at a higher level  than before.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have pain and issues, especially at work, but I will write about that next time. However, I am doing better in terms of managing the pain.

My dissonance remains, I am still not comfortable with it but I can see the benefits.

In my perfect scenario, where I could not eliminate the pain, I would not be taking morphine; but hey, life is far from perfect.

I have Pelvic Congestion Syndrome and Endometriosis. That’s my truth. I am not in denial, I am not fooling myself but I am learning to Test and Adjust.

For now this is the best I can do and it will have to be enough.

Stages of Chronic Illness

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When I first decided to study psychology I was so excited to learn all about….well everything. One thing that always fascinated me was stage theories. As I grew and developed I learnt that the stages were never what I originally thought them to be………….I assumed, like most others that they were linear. Meaning, you move from one on to the next and so forth, so more like steps instead of stages.

Over the years, I have learnt that there really is nothing linear about them and although they are presented in a step by step manner, that is not necessarily the order in which they manifest. I also came to understand that passing through one stage does not equate to mastering it, neither does it mean you do not revisit that stage.

The photo above speak to the stages of grief developed by Eizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler. The fact that the ribbon is twirled represents the fact that its not a straight line. Sometimes it can be like a never ending spiral. This image is more apt in my opinion.

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So what are the stages I have identified in terms of chronic illness?

Shock and Denial

Truth is life was pretty good, going along without a care in the world, well no major ones anyway; then illness happened. I was shocked and many times I said ” this can’t be happening”. Whenever something new pops up I find myself surprised. Someone actually said to me ” you should be accustomed by now, why you acting surprised? This stuff always happening to you.”

I’ve learnt there is a progressive nature to chronic illness and issues faced when ill. So if I use my ever changing GI and diet issues as an example: every time I have a reaction to a different food that once before I was able to eat I do go into shock and there is an element of denial.

In terms of the Pelvic Congestion Syndrome and the Endometriosis, the same thing happens. Even when I know whatever has happened is possible for someone with these conditions, I am still shocked.

Anger

After being shocked I automatically get angry. In my mind I have had enough challenges, enough surgeries and procedures and enough medications to last a lifetime. I find myself more and more frustrated.

Sometimes I am angry at God and let Him have it and then feel guilty about being ungrateful when I should just be grateful for all the blessings I do have. Other times I am angry at myself; wondering if I had not done so and so or if I had approached a situation differently, if the outcome would have been the same.

I get angry when I think about all the things I can no longer do; sometimes I just look around the house and I get angry because I know if I were not ill the house would be cleaner and more organized or more would have been done with it in terms of being finished……if my finances weren’t focused mainly in healthcare.

I look at what needs my children have and try to figure out how we are going to balance their needs with the limited finances and I am angry………..because if I wasn’t ill …..things won’t be so difficult………….or so I think anyway.

I get miserable and irritable and piggish. I snap at my husband and children and/ or shut them out completely…………well try to anyway. Then I feel guilty because its not their fault that all this is happening to me and then I am embarrassed at my behaviour and then I am angry again.

Depression

Next I become overwhelmed. This doesn’t take much time to achieve really. I just have to start thinking about what my life was/ could be vs what it is and there it is.

I find the darkest moments are when I am in pain. The type of pain that forces me to codeine and tramadol together or into the doctor’s office for IV meds. This week it got to that point where I spent 2 hours nursing a morphine IV.

Its almost as if in those moments all the activities, dreams, desires etc. that I have given up come rushing back to my mind and push me further down into darkness. Its an all out fight to keep positive in that moment. I do the best I can….listen to music, sing, quote Bible promises, read good books, do in bed activities with the children, watch movies………..I try. ………..I continue to try.

I have found that its at this point that my stages stop being linear. From here I go back to denial or anger; depending on the particular issue at hand.

This week I went back to anger because I just had surgery in May and spent thousands of dollars that I didn’t have and 3 months later I am back on IV morphine.

Dialogue and Bargaining

This stage is where I believe I spend most of my time. I search for answers and talk to others about what is happening. Even though I was angry about the surgery not being the type of success I wanted I still sought to understand why that happened.

You see, from a rational, objective standpoint I do understand. I understand the diseases and my body and I can see why I am presently in the space that I am in. This does nothing to help in the midst of the flare though. This is all left brain stuff and when in pain its my right brain that takes over. Its all emotions………..not facts.

Thankfully, I am trained to help people in the exact situation in which I find myself. So I know what to do to engage the left brain and calm down. It does work, I am calm………just I would like to be calm and pain free at the same time 🙂

Acceptance

For me relief comes in relinquishing control of the very thing I know I cannot control. When I accept my life for what it is I can progress. I cannot control the illnesses, all I can do is adjust and make the most of what remains.

Ironically, this week I had an epiphany concerning acceptance. As much as I had said before that I accept my reality; deep down I was still in a form of denial. This is tricky because there is a line between acceptance and giving up that sometimes gets blurred. They are not the same things.

So I accept that I have Endometriosis and Pelvic Congestion Syndrome. I have Fructose Malabsorption and GI issues related to food sensitivities and intolerance. I do what I can to handle each situation; be it tweaking the diet; changing my clothing/ shoes; having minimal social life outside home; reducing my driving and the times of the day in which I drive; taking more breaks; wearing compression hosiery etc. etc.

This acceptance helps me to move forward. The challenge is creating a new life instead of constantly mourning the old one. I’m still working on this 😉

Truth is, just as we experience grief and loss over a person, job, pet, friendship …..that is no longer a part of our lives; we experience the same when examining the impact that chronic illness has had on our lives. Many times we don’t view it this way, therefore we don’t apply the coping strategies and techniques that we would in that situation.

Chronic illness steals life as we know it. There is a death, there is a loss………….there is no going back to the life we knew. Just as when a loved one dies we need to create a new normal in order to go on; so it is with chronic illness.

I mourn the life I had, yet I am grateful to still have life. As I seek to create the new normal/ the new life………..the stages are ever before me. I would love to be always in the space of acceptance and moving on to/ having a meaningful life but life isn’t linear. I will be shocked and in denial from time to time and I will get angry. The nature of chronic illness may cause moments of depression and I will bargain and seek dialogue.

As unwelcome as this process is…………..it is the process. I must go through it to make my new life more meaningful and enjoyable. One day I will look back, being grateful for the journey and the process without being stuck in what was.

I focus on what is and for that I am grateful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Test and Adjust

 

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I had an intern once who constantly said “test and adjust”; when she said it I took it to mean whenever there is something new/ unexpected/ unwelcomed in our lives we test it so that we can learn and then we adjust to suit. It makes no sense complaining/ worrying/ fighting the change……………………learn and adjust…………change is constant.

I don’t know……… I’m tired of adjusting.

It seems like I am constantly adjusting, even before I can adequately adjust to one change along comes another and I am scrambling to deal with something else. The weeks since my last post have been one adjustment after another.

My GI issues have settled somewhat because I have made some additional diet changes. We believe that I do not have IBS, rather fructose malabsorption. I don’t know why and honestly I can’t be bothered about it ……well the reason behind it………..right now. I can no longer absorb fructose. This brings symptoms similar to IBS.  I have basically been testing and adjusting my diet. I cut out the recommended high fructose foods and reintroduced them alone one by one to gauge the effects on my body. I have been able to identify those foods that trigger my symptoms. I’m still working on this.

My allergies and sensitivities have also been heightened. Before, I could still have a little gluten every once in a while. I shouldn’t but I could and not have any reaction. Now I cannot do that. I must have and maintain the completely gluten free diet. Even grains that I could previously have, I can no longer eat. I developed a reaction to corn when I could previously use it without issue. Actually I think its the type of corn. I have reactions to taco shells and cereal that is imported but if I use corn meal or corn flour made here I am ok thus far.

My energy levels have improved but are still low compared to where I need them to be. I find it difficult to go an entire day without getting exhausted. This has been really put to the test this week. I am having an annual camp I host with a colleague. Its constant going, standing, talking and work from 8:30 – around 3:30 each day. Its too much for me, makes me worry about returning to work in September………work is quite similar. Today I just had to stop and put my feet up.

On the topic of feet……………I started wearing the compression stockings. They help tremendously. They take a bit of getting used to but the support is amazing. The only thing is that Barbados is hot…………and its summer 😦 Its an exercise in perseverance to deal with them and the heat. Still I have no choice. If I got so tired and my legs hurt so much with them on I definitely would not have been able to do half as much without them.

I’m also adjusting to losing/ rather deciding that some friendships I have are at an end. One in particular, I have been friends with the individual for over 15 year. I explained to the individual the challenges I was having with Pelvic Congestion and Endometriosis and how it was impacting my life. There was absolutely no response, no empathy or sympathy………….absolutely nothing. This person then went on to discount my discomfort in their presence, acted as if I they had no knowledge of my illness. As much as I accept that the friendship is over, I have yet to speak to the person and it still hurts.

So much more going on in my life and all around. Testing and adjusting is difficult………but its necessary…………I just wish it easier:(