Today is the 10th consecutive day I am at home that I should have been at work. The reason: a pain flare 😦
You know in the movies where someone is in the middle of the street and a car/ bus/ vehicle is towering towards them and you want to scream “GET OUT OF THE ROAD! GET OUT…….”? Then you start to wonder what the script is all about because its so stupid……. someone could just move from the road? Then you start to think that its not a physical action that’s required but and emotional or psychological one and that’s what is keeping the person there?
Well, maybe you don’t analyse movies that much, but that “deer in the headlights” is me. Its me when going to and through a flare…………there’s nothing I can do. I will get hit and hit hard and I can only pray then that I can get back up again.
See, some of us know when a flare is approaching. There are all the warning signs that tell us to stop/ slow down but we can’t.
I knew that I was pushing it at work and doing more than I should; but it was work and it was necessary.
I felt the pain from driving and felt the afternoon fatigue coming earlier and earlier each day; but I changed nothing.
I knew I was eating and sleeping less and my level of productivity was dropping; yet I continued.
It stopped becoming about the vehicle that was approaching me and more about doing as much as I could before it hit. Only that in itself caused the vehicle to pick up speed.
Its a vicious cycle.
Truth be told, I didn’t wait until I collapsed at work or hubby had to drag/ lift me anywhere. I felt it happening and I spoke to the Doc.
Thing is thought that being proactive would make a difference. I was wrong!
The pain knocked me down and out in one go. Instantly, I was banished to bed and hardly eating. I was under the covers one minute and throwing them off the next because my body temperature went wacky- as it sometimes does.
I had to raise the extended release back to 90 mg a day (my original prescription) from 60 mg a day (what I was actually taking). I also had to take some fast acting morphine to just ease through the first few days.
Sounds like I was handling well…………………………but I wasn’t. I was losing it quicker than ever before.
The increased morphine helped with the pain but caused me to itch like crazy, especially at night, I don’t know if there is some significance to that and sleep but it was horrible. Between the itch and accompanying dry mouth, I was jumping out of sleep at least eight times a night. Unfortunately, so was my husband 😦
I could not sleep and became sleep deprived. I could stop the meds and have painsomnia or take them and have insomnia…………..not much of a choice.
It got to the point where I had a meltdown. I was in the middle of writing a class for university and fighting my way along through the pain, when I started to cry. I cried………….then I wept…………then I collapsed in a heap and continued to cry. My brain just shut down, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t process what was happening and I definitely couldn’t make sense of the work I was attempting to do.
I wound up saving the information to a flash drive alone and not as I usually do to another flash, the computer and one or two clouds. I then proceeded to break the flash drive and lose all the information. Then I just continued to cry. I could not stop………………………….I cried for anything and everything and nothing.
In order to sleep, eventually had to drop the dosage of medication back to below what was prescribed. I was able to sleep some but the pain just raged.
This was about 6 days ago and I am still in pain. Thankfully, its not as bad but it cannot be ignored. I can do more now but I cannot do an entire day, so I am still at home. I have no idea when the flare will end or how long before the next one.
All I know is I’m that deer caught in the headlights and unable to move. These illnesses are like cement keeping me in position and powerless to get out of the way. I can only prepare as best I can and then ride it out.